Bad habits are hard to break. Sometimes it even seems that we have two brains: one wants only the best, and the other desperately resists in an unconscious attempt to maintain the state of affairs. New knowledge about how our brain works makes it possible to understand this duality of personality, gives guidance to action and hope that we will be able to overcome our own fears and internal resistance.
Psychotherapists help a lot of people, but there are still too many dissatisfied clients who didn’t get what they came for. However, there are many reasons to find hope now. Together, the different fields of psychology and brain science can provide you with a guide to freeing yourself from self-destructive habits that interfere with your life.
Patterns of self-destructive behavior
- Internet addiction
- Binge eating
- Social isolation
- Gambling
- Obvious lies
- Inactivity
- Self-sacrifice
- Overwork (from overwork)
- Suicidal actions
- Anorexia/bulimia
- Inability to express oneself
- Video game and sports addiction
- Theft and kleptomania
- Inability to prioritize (too many tasks on the to-do list)
- Attraction to the “wrong” people
- Avoiding opportunities to express your talents
- Tendency to stay in an unfavorable situation (work, relationships)
- Antisocial behavior
- Passive-aggressive behavior
- Inability to handle money; growing debts, inability to save
- Self-medication
- Cruel, selfish, thoughtless behavior
- Self-harm
- Chronic disorganization
- Foolish pride
- Attention avoidance
- Perfectionism
- Inability to start looking for work
- Sycophancy; manipulative behavior to gain love
- Excessively high standards (of yourself or others)
- Fraud, theft
- Procrastination (procrastination)
- Neglecting your own health
- Alcohol or drug abuse
- Chronic tardiness
- Inattention to others
- Bad sleep habits
- Inattention
- Inability to relax
- Smoking
- Reluctance to ask for help
- Silent suffering
- Addiction to fashion
- Promiscuous sexual intercourse; casual sex without relationship
- Pointless battles with people in power
- TV addiction
- Excessive shyness
- Risk appetite
- Shopping as a treatment for depression
- Computer game addiction
- Tendency to vagrancy, begging
- Increased anxiety
- Sexual addiction
- Choosing the role of a martyr
- Actions to dispute
- Tendency to dangerous driving
- Shoplifting
- Sexual degradation
- Tendency to ruin everything just when everything is going well
- Tenacity beyond common sense
- Excessive accumulation
Severe self-destruction
I once met a woman who was the epitome of motherhood, just a super mom. She was constantly busy with a bunch of children, was on the parent council, was always running around the shops, washing, cleaning, cooking, was active in the church community, never complained and seemed happy.
When she found out that her husband was having an affair, she tried to poison herself with exhaust gas in her garage. I think she has been a "good girl" all her life, trying to please everyone and expecting good behavior to be rewarded.
When she discovered that her husband was deceiving her, she brought down all her anger on herself (and at the same time on the whole family). After returning home from the hospital, she noticed that no one sympathized with her or offered help. Instead, everyone was just waiting for her to return to her role as a caring housewife.
A few days later she made another suicide attempt. Suicide was the only effective way for her to express her despair. Ultimately, she left her husband, making her life much more difficult, but her children stopped taking her for granted, and this saved her life.
People who engage in self-destructive behavior provoke others to ask them to stop, and then continue again and again.
They are often diagnosed with bipolar disorder or borderline illness. They tend to push people away, but they can often be charming or manipulative and can be truly creative, so others can be influenced by them.
Such people often experience loneliness and emptiness deep inside. Amy Winehouse* seemed to be a classic example of a borderline personality taken to the extreme, and her father described her as manic-depressive. However, these are simplified explanations: everyone could hear the genuine pain in her voice, and when she was left alone for a long time, Amy died.
For people like Janis Joplin, Kurt Cobain**, David Wallace***, Amy Winehouse, Marilyn Monroe, loneliness seemed to be fatal: as soon as they were left without support for even a minute, they did something reckless or fell into depression .
I recently met a young woman who worked at one of the most prestigious prep schools in the country. Since she had a cutting episode as a teenager, she had a special nose for such behavior in her students. The woman said she watched as one young student engaged in an animated conversation with the dean and waved her arms, revealing fresh razor cuts on her arms. The dean, not noticing these cuts, continued the conversation.
I've always found it strange that throwing out a red flag is perceived as simply seeking attention. If someone is seeking attention, it may mean that he or she is not getting it or is not getting it the way he or she would like.
One long-term study of patients hospitalized after deliberate self-harm (suicide attempts, cutting, etc.) found that after six years, almost 60% of them continued to harm themselves.
Another study of young drivers with a history of self-harm found an extremely high risk of car crashes: 85% of them involved another vehicle. Those who care about the fate of these people find themselves in a very difficult situation, because they are faced with a sequence of critical situations, and the help they can offer does not bring tangible results. Those who throw out the red signal abuse their kindness.
Eventually, some begin to understand that since nothing can solve their inner torment, they themselves must learn to control themselves in order to take advantage of what life offers them.
Footnotes
* Amy Winehouse (Amy Jade Winehouse, 1983-2011) - English singer and songwriter; died at the age of 27 from a drug overdose. ** Kurt Donald Cobain (1967-1994) - American musician, leader of the group Nirvana; committed suicide at the age of 27. *** David Foster Wallace (1962-2008) - American writer and philosopher; committed suicide at the age of 46.
Causes, characteristics and types of self-destructive behavior
Warning: This article will discuss self-destructive behavior. If you are one of those who are prone to self-destructive behavior or self-harm, please be aware that the material may cause unwanted reactions in you.
The field of mental health disorders includes many different conditions, not all of which are considered easy to diagnose.
For example, self-destructive behavior is seen as a symptom of another underlying dysfunction or psychological disorder from which the person may be suffering.
There has been research to suggest that self-destructive behavior is part of certain disorders, however, there is no convincing evidence that self-destructive behavior can occur in people without underlying dysfunction or psychological diagnoses.
There are only a few studies and documented evidence that the average person who meets the criteria for mental and emotional health may exhibit signs of self-destructive behavior.
However, this does not mean that this does not happen. It simply doesn't happen to people who are considered mentally and emotionally healthy often enough to be cited as solid statistics.
As a result, self-destructive behavior is often seen as a symptom of other underlying psychological problems.
The phrase “self-destructive behavior” covers a wide range of types and severity of behavior.
Self-destructive behavior can be intentional or subconscious, impulsive or planned.
It may be an act, a series of acts, or a lifestyle that causes psychological or physical harm to the person engaging in the behavior.
It can start small and escalate. In some cases, the consequence is death.
The best way to help a person who is suffering from self-destructive behavior is through early identification, intervention and treatment.
Self-Destructive Behavior as a Coping Mechanism
Emotional pain or trauma is one of the most common reasons why people develop self-destructive behavior.
A person replaces healthier coping mechanisms with harmful ones because it can make him feel better and allow him to hide his true feelings. He may also simply not know how to deal with the pain in a healthy way.
People may also use self-destructive behavior as punishment for a lack of control over themselves, their world, and their actions.
This type of self-destructive behavior may also be associated with what is considered a “cry for help.” A person may not know how to ask for help, so they engage in self-destructive behavior, signaling that they are in distress and need help.
A person who engages in self-destructive behavior cannot think rationally or consciously. He may be addicted to feelings and feel obligated to engage in such behavior.
Self-destructive behavior as a means of exercising control
The world is a chaotic place. People are thrown down paths they may not want to take. Not all of them are good or healthy.
Those who feel that life is out of their control may engage in self-destructive behavior in order to feel that everything is in their hands.
People may not control what their bosses do, how their spouses think, whether they will lose this job or not, whether they will be approved for a loan or not...
... but they have the power to decide what to feed their body and how to treat themselves.
These people may not feel obligated or inclined to self-harm—they choose to do so, seeing it as an act of defiance against everything that makes them feel like they have no control.
There is a more complex facet to this type of self-harm...
Regular self-destructive behavior can become part of a person's personality. He may stop seeing it as a coping mechanism and start seeing it as part of his personality, which makes the problem much harder to solve.
For example…
Brian is constantly stressed at work. After work, he heads to the local bar to have a couple of beers and relieve the day's stress before heading home to bed.
After Brian gets a new job, he can still go to the bar because he has developed a habit. Alcohol abuse is already part of his routine, part of his personality, and soon it can develop into alcoholism.
What causes self-destructive behavior?
The question of what causes self-destructive behavior is endlessly complex because of how broad its characteristics are.
It can manifest itself in all areas of life - relationships with friends, family and loved ones, career, nutrition, and so on.
Many people who engage in self-destructive behavior have some awareness of their own destructive tendencies, but they are unable to do anything that will stop or change them.
They may know the solution to the problem, but they still make excuses for not doing anything about it.
In most cases, self-destructive behavior begins with pleasure. A person may start taking drugs or drinking to feel good for a while.
As the habit becomes stronger, he stops enjoying what he is doing and gets to the point where he gently puts in more effort to get the pleasurable sensations.
Drug addicts and alcoholics may eventually find that they need the substance they are consuming to feel normal as their body and brain begin to need the substance to function.
At some point, behavior that was once enjoyable ceases to be so and becomes detrimental to a person's life.
Not all self-destructive behavior is pleasant. For example, there are people who choose not to control their rage or anger. It could cost them friendships, relationships, jobs, security or stability.
They may see and understand that their anger issues are detrimental to their well-being, but will still refuse to change their behavior.
There is no single driving factor for self-destructive behavior. A person may have unresolved trauma or grief in their life history. He may have unhealthy habits that affect his lifestyle.
He may be experiencing problems for which he is not comfortable seeking help. He may also engage in self-destructive behavior to cope with the chaos and difficulties that life throws his way.
However, it is not weakness of character or superficial desire that pushes people into self-destructive behavior.
People have a general need to find a reason for actions or choices, but often the reason is vague or purposefully hidden.
Emotionally healthy, happy people do not want to turn their lives inside out with self-destructive behavior. If a person is engaging in self-destructive behavior, there is a reason that must be determined by an appropriate certified mental health professional.
Signs of self-destructive behavior that people may exhibit
Although there are certain traits that are common to those who suffer from self-destructive behavior, most people cannot be classified into one clear category.
Not all people with self-destructive behavior will exhibit these traits, so we should not try to put them into a category where they do not belong.
Emotion dysregulation is a phrase used in the mental health field to describe an emotional response that is outside of what is considered typical.
A person experiencing emotional dysregulation may act rashly or impulsively, exhibit unnecessary aggression, or have emotional reactions that are inappropriate to what they are experiencing.
Emotional dysregulation is often the driving force behind self-destructive behavior. This may be the result of traumatic brain injuries, childhood neglect and abuse, or various mental disorders and illnesses.
People with emotional dysregulation may experience emotions with greater intensity or clarity. They can be highly sensitive and incredibly emotional.
These people don't have to be negative. They can be more creative and empathetic than the average person.
The person may also have grown up in an unfavorable or toxic environment, including experiences such as abuse, neglect, or excessive criticism.
The person may have been exposed to or raised by people who are emotionally unintelligent, do not recognize emotions, or themselves engage in self-destructive behavior as a coping mechanism.
They may have been bullied by peers at school, ostracized, or otherwise socially excluded throughout childhood.
Many people don't know how to deal with difficult emotions in a healthy way. They choose to ignore the pain and deny its existence in an attempt to shut off their emotions.
Unfortunately, emotions don't work that way. They eventually begin to resurface and some people turn to self-destructive behaviors such as drugs and alcohol to heal themselves.
In the short term, a person may be successful in coping with unwanted feelings through these behaviors, but over time, things will only get worse.
Once a person realizes that one of these short-term solutions helps them find relief, they are likely to return to that behavior again and again to obtain relief, which can turn into an addiction.
Types of self-destructive behavior
There are many types of self-destructive behavior. It is impossible to list all the examples. However, there are a number of common types of self-destructive behavior that people can engage in.
Drug and alcohol abuse
Substance abuse is one of the most common forms of self-destructive behavior. It can easily lead to addiction, negatively impact relationships, and ruin careers and opportunities. It can also cause physical and mental health problems.
Self-harm
Self-harm (eg, self-harming) may be used as a coping mechanism for severe or extreme emotional distress. The person may even become addicted to self-harm.
Unhealthy diet
Regular unhealthy eating habits can lead to eating disorders such as anorexia or bulimia.
If a person tries to “eat” their emotions, this can lead to excess weight, which not only negatively affects the body as a whole, but can also contribute to mental health problems, such as depression or anxiety.
Self pity
A person can fall into suffering and use it as a shield to try to absolve themselves of responsibility.
As a result, this harms his relationships and life, since communication with him becomes burdensome and he himself loses opportunities.
In general, people are empathetic and compassionate, but there is a limit to everything. Once this limit is reached, the negative impact begins on the person who uses their problems as an excuse not to try new things and not improve at all.
Self-sabotage
Self-sabotage means setting yourself up for failure. This can be a result of low self-esteem as the person may feel like they don't deserve good things in their life.
Self-sabotage can cost him jobs, relationships, and other opportunities that require risk-taking.
A good example of self-sabotage is the eternal pessimist; a person who will always find a reason why you shouldn’t try and why nothing will work out.
Social isolation
Humans are social creatures. There are very few people who can survive without social interaction.
Just being around other people provides various benefits by stimulating brain chemistry.
A person may isolate himself from friends, family and society either consciously or subconsciously. He may convince himself that he doesn't deserve to have family and friends. Thus, his actions will be aimed at isolation.
From the outside, it may look like he is deliberately ignoring and getting into arguments with people in order to get them to break ties with him.
Unnecessary expenses
Spending money can develop into self-destructive behavior. Gambling and gambling addiction are manifestations of self-destructive behavior.
It can also include overspending online or in brick-and-mortar stores, making purchases in mobile games or apps, or making excessive donations to good causes.
Spending becomes an unhealthy behavior when it begins to negatively impact a person's ability to lead their life or when a person feels obligated to spend when they lack funds.
Self neglect
Self-neglect is a common and often severe form of self-destructive behavior.
A person may neglect to take care of their physical health by eating well, exercising, or visiting a doctor for regular checkups or when illness occurs.
Neglect of mental health can include refusing to take prescribed medications, see a specialist, or even admit that you have a problem at all.
A person simply refuses to do anything to protect and improve his health. He may reject any outside help or advice.
Unnecessary suffering
There are people who use excessive self-sacrifice as an easy way to avoid hard work.
They create a false narrative in their head that their suffering is the only way to ensure that others have a good time. They adhere to this false narrative instead of trying to improve themselves or their situation.
This provides a temporary sense of relief as the person frames their actions as altruistic when in fact they are engaging in self-destructive behavior, using denial to avoid facing problems.
Sabotaging friendships and relationships
A person may sabotage their friendships and relationships as a way to further reinforce the belief that they are terrible and therefore unworthy of friends or love.
Behaviors associated with sabotage include jealousy, possessiveness, neediness, passive aggression, manipulation, or even violence.
This behavior can be either a subconscious or a conscious choice. In any case, it usually stems from a person’s conviction that he is not worthy of love.
The relationship between the helper and the one being helped
A person's self-destructive behavior rarely affects them alone. As a rule, it extends to the people around him.
Friends, family, or loved ones may find themselves caught up in a helper-helped relationship with a person who is behaving in a destructive way.
Boundaries become an integral part of such relationships. The helper is likely to experience some negative impact on his or her life or well-being by being around people who engage in self-destructive behavior.
It's worth remembering that excessive self-sacrifice can also be a form of self-destructive behavior.
There is nothing bad or wrong with healthy boundaries and expectations.
There are people who choose to wallow in the suffering of others because it gives them a reason to ignore their own problems. Or they are trying to earn the love of someone who is unable to give it.
Does this mean that a person should not try to be kind and understanding?
No.
This means that we must always remember that we cannot help someone who does not want to help themselves.
Ruining your own life or well-being for someone who refuses to help themselves is not a solution.
When you tolerate another person's self-destructive behavior to your detriment, it only makes it worse. And it may take him much longer to realize that he needs to change.
Healthy support makes a huge difference to a person who is suffering from self-destructive behavior. However, it is important to remember to maintain your own well-being in the process.
Healing and recovery from self-destructive behavior
The process of self-improvement is long and sometimes difficult.
No one really wants to dig into their past to find something that caused a lot of pain and suffering.
... but it's necessary.
This is necessary because we are all a product of our life experiences - good and bad.
The ability to cope with strong emotions associated with trauma or grief is not innate. This is a skill that needs to be developed and practiced.
You may need the help of a therapist or counselor to help you find peace of mind.
If you or someone you love is engaging in self-destructive behavior, your best choice is to seek help from a certified mental health professional.
Especially for readers of my blog Muz4in.Net
Destructive actions
The person with the red flag wants unconditional, healing, ideal love, and these are infantile expectations and unfair demands.
When these people get married, the partner takes on an unbearable burden. Sometimes a partner is simply naive, believing that true love will cope with all problems. And sometimes the needs of the spouses complement each other: she needs salvation, and he needs to be a savior.
I know one man who married a woman with a chronic mental disorder, fully aware of this usually unconscious agreement. However, the couple lived together for 40 years and had good times. His wife's condition stabilized and became predictable. He may not have realized his need to be a martyr, but the relationship suited them.
However, more often the caring partner loses strength, and the partner with the signal flag, feeling waning interest in himself, tightens his demands.
Divorce is the usual outcome, but sometimes it helps the signalman see the light and begin to take on more responsibility.
Red flag teenagers sometimes act out their parents' forbidden desires. If parents are so limited that they cannot recognize the shadow of their own self, their children can do it for them through projective identification. This often happens with sexuality: rigid and prudish parents who have difficulty understanding their own sexual needs may send the message to their children that there is forbidden fruit, that is, something seductive.
Mothers who gave birth to children in their teens do not want the same fate for their daughters. However, they may be unconsciously sending the message that mom is the only thing in life.
Fathers who feel like victims of life's circumstances unknowingly encourage their sons' aggression. A child might get caught by the police or become pregnant, and the whole family will be caught up in what Eric Byrne * years ago called the game of "Noise." Someone's forbidden desires cause everyone to get excited, nothing is resolved, and the game can continue indefinitely.
Behind the red flag is the fear of directly asking for attention because of the possibility of rejection, instead people manipulate others to get what they think they want. But attention is never enough, because unconsciously a person feels that it was received under duress.
The “signaler” with the red flag receives only brief satisfaction from this less-than-ideal attention, and the cycle repeats. They need to learn communication skills and willpower.
Footnote
* Eric Berne, 1910-1970 (Eric Lennard Berne) - American psychologist and psychiatrist; author of transactional and scenario analyses; author of the best-selling book “Games People Play (The Psychology of Human Relationships)” (1964).
Self-destructive type. The view of a Gestalt therapist.
SELF-DESTRUCTIVE TYPE (MASOCHISTIC)
Children who have survived violence and cruelty. They have little energy, and in a situation of violence they chose to react differently than sociopaths.
Self-destructive behavior is what allows you to preserve yourself.
If you are punished anyway, then at least you will choose the time and place when you will punish yourself. If you are beaten, you will provoke it and choose when it happens.
Self-destructive provocations speak of the activity of the individual, of the desire to influence one’s destiny. This is the power of the victim - “can I choose where you shoot me.” These are guilty people, they think that their parents treated them this way because they deserved it. “You see, you’re a bad student and you took me out.”
Case Study
Boy with mother. Mom is impulsive, with outbursts of aggressiveness. He's a lightning rod. She attacks him, and he gets scared. After the outburst, she blames him and feels sorry for him. And he needs to provoke her so that she falls for it and then loves him. And he already has experience. Intimacy is always first pain, then real intimacy. The boy has psychosomatics - he is going blind.
And when the client says that she was driving a car. And before that, she felt guilty that she liked someone other than her husband. And then she realizes that if she accelerates now, she won’t get through. And she accelerated and got into an accident.
It’s difficult to wring your own hands, it’s easier to choose a suitable partner, then there’s a little more moral victory, superiority - he’s a tormentor, and everything’s fine with you.
A person believes that everything that happens naturally and correctly, there are no other options.
Masochistic personalities, like depressive ones, use introjection, turning against oneself and idealization . In addition, they rely heavily on external response (by definition, since the essence of masochism lies in self-destructive actions).
Case study from Nancy McWilliams.
A woman I worked with told her frugal, obsessive-compulsive husband about her latest spending spree as soon as their relationship became warm and calm. This constantly infuriated him. Together with her, we realized that such provocations revealed an unconscious conclusion that she had drawn as a child: if everything is calm, a storm is about to break out. When everything was going well in her marriage, the woman unconsciously began to worry that, like her explosive father, her husband was going to destroy their happiness with some outburst. Therefore, my patient behaved in a way that she internally knew would cause an outburst of anger, in order to quickly get it over with and begin a pleasant interlude. Unfortunately, from her husband's point of view, she did not restore her previous condition, but caused pain.
Typically, the story of masochistic individuals sounds similar to that of depressives: with large unmourned losses, critical or guilt-inducing caregivers, role reversals where children feel responsible for parents, incidents of trauma and abuse, and depressive patterns. Where depressives feel that no one needs them, masochistic people feel that if they can express their need for sympathy and care , their emotional loneliness can end.
Therapy
When dealing with such a client, you need to take care of yourself and maintain the boundaries of the setting. He will try to overcome all obstacles, come late, because... he translated grandmothers across the road. With such a client, do not give yourself offense, teach the client the same. At first he will complain about life, come tired, sleep-deprived, and say that his wallet was stolen and he has nothing to pay. First, we meet halfway and set up a therapeutic alliance, then we begin to set boundaries and say that the client himself needs these boundaries.
Source: Lecture by Elena Kosse “Clinical diagnostics“)
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“Where there has been a crushing defeat in battle, achieved through persistent, ruthless and often sadistic submission to the will of the child , masochistic behavior and self-destruction take on the most dysfunctional and obvious forms.
At the same time, in these same cases, the pattern of self-destruction begins to take on the character of persistent destruction and use of other people and turns out to be extremely resistant to any attempts to change.
The child, often unconsciously, retains the memory of how his will was broken and remembers that, despite this, he survived . There remains also an inexhaustible desire to resist defeat and assert one's own will , even if this happens in hiding, secretly and accompanied by severe suffering.
From the book “Personality Psychotherapy” by Stephen M. Johnson
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Freud in his theory believed that people by nature strive to maximize pleasure and reduce pain. However, the masochistic personality type seems to contradict this theory.
The term "masochism" used by psychoanalysts does not mean a love of pain and suffering. A person who behaves masochistically endures pain and suffers in the conscious or unconscious hope of some subsequent benefit.
When the analyst tells a patient who is being beaten by her husband that she is behaving masochistically by staying with an abusive man, he is not accusing the woman of enjoying being beaten. Rather, the implication here is that her actions suggest that her enduring violence either furthers some goal that justifies her suffering (preserving her family), or prevents something more painful (such as being left alone), or both together. This remark also implies that this calculation does not work, since being with a man who beats her is objectively more destructive or even dangerous than breaking up with him, but she nevertheless continues to behave as if because she tolerates mistreatment, her ultimate well-being depends*.
Masochistic and depressive character patterns coincide to a large extent, especially at the neurotically healthy level of personality organization. However, people with defeatist personalities are generally more active than depressives, and their behavior reflects a need to do something about their depressed feelings that would counteract states of demoralization, passivity, and isolation.
Self-destructive actions involve an element of attempting to cope with an expected painful situation (RM Loewenstein, 1955).
For example, if one is convinced that all authority figures will sooner or later punish those who depend on them on a whim, and is in a chronic state of anxiety, expecting this to happen, then provoking the expected punishment, one thereby reduces anxiety and regains confidence in his influence: at least the time and place of suffering is chosen by himself.
Nancy McWilliams' book Psychoanalytic Diagnostics.
