Gestalt: how to close a past unfinished relationship with a man or woman, how to do it yourself?

The expression to close the gestalt - in simple words it means to start living in a new way. Leaving the situation open means repeating the mistakes of the past. At the same time, it is not always easy to close the gestalt on your own, since it is often formed outside the zone of people’s control. Therefore, it is important to know techniques on how to close the gestalt.

People remember unfinished tasks best; the brain seems to fixate on them, which in some way provokes the emergence of mental stress. Subjects develop a persistent desire to return to an unfinished situation in order to experience it, turning it on again. So, for example, having started a new relationship, people involuntarily introduce into them unresolved contradictions from previous ones or run away from people who resemble an abusive father. In order to avoid this, it is necessary to close the gestalt in relationships with a man, woman or parent.

Features of an incomplete gestalt

In order to know how to close the gestalt in a relationship with a man, you need to understand that this particular phenomenon appeared in your life and accompanies it. Let's figure out the difference between an unfinished gestalt in a relationship.

If you have several gestalts (an unfinished book, an unfinished education, an unfinished letter and much more), you are most likely anxious, thinking about it, and cannot concentrate on anything. It is as if you are walking through a labyrinth or a vicious circle and cannot find a way out. All this hinders personal growth and prevents you from having a full-fledged personal life. A person starts a new relationship, and again it doesn’t end the way he would like. You are in pain and apathy. You consider yourself a failure.

There is a concept called the “memory effect on unfinished actions.” This means that the human psyche is most often focused on a specific goal that is most significant to him. And he doesn’t let him go until he achieves this goal.

In a normal life situation, this helps to achieve goals and solve problems. But it happens, especially in relationships with a loved one with whom there has been a break, that unclosed gestalts no longer act to their advantage. They harm new relationships. In addition, there are cases when it is impossible to complete the gestalt at all (if a loved one has died). And then the person, without closing it, continues to suffer, this takes away all his strength and does not give him the opportunity to start a new, happy relationship.

So, why is gestalt dangerous in relationships:

you experience constant dissatisfaction with life;
you have strong feelings for various reasons, psychosis, depression, suicidal thoughts;
you develop laziness and apathy, you don’t want to change anything in life;
you have psychosomatic illnesses;
you constantly go back to the past, even with new people.

If you keep thinking about your ex-lover, can’t look at anyone, and most importantly, are losing your relationship again, because you didn’t tell him anything at the end (and you had to say a lot - it’s accumulated!), then there is an unfinished gestalt here , of course, is obvious. But it happens that you seem to have finished everything (at least it seems so to you), but you cannot start life again. This means that somewhere “the door is not closed”, you did not let go of the situation, and it did not let you go.

Steps to the logical end as a path to freedom

No psychotherapist will help if a person devotes all his free time to mental suffering. Only constant work on one’s own behavior and self-control will be the main step towards liberation:

READ How to understand that a guy wants to break up: signs of crisis and tips

Changing route and habits. Perception and memory are influenced not only by the image of a person, but also by smells, sounds, music or surroundings. Psychologists recommend not visiting places dear to your heart, so as not to reinforce your emotions.
Destruction of "relics". It is advisable to get rid of things and significant gifts in one fell swoop, otherwise trinkets and photographs will remind you of past love.
Psychological method “Empty chair”. It is necessary to imagine your ex-partner sitting opposite - and tell him everything that is painful. It is necessary to voice grievances, complaints, talk through critical moments in relationships in order to let go of painful relationships.

If your imagination is tight or it’s difficult to talk to an empty space, you can express yourself in writing. The main task is not to send a message under any circumstances, so as not to provoke a real showdown. By writing down grievances, you can become aware of the existing problems that are preventing you from moving forward.

How do you understand that your gestalt is not complete?

There are signs “from the subconscious”:

Any childhood memory causes unconscious pain, dissatisfaction and sadness arise.
You are haunted by the same dreams, and they remind you of some situations from the past.
The relationships you enter into follow the same pattern.
The people you meet have something subtly similar, the same.
You get angry at people close to you for no apparent reason.
You periodically experience unpleasant physical sensations (nausea, pain) when communicating with specific people.

There are also objective signs of an incomplete gestalt:

Anxiety, panic attacks

If you are overcome by anxiety, psychosis for unknown reasons, and are overcome by anxiety when there is some work ahead or a new relationship is on the horizon, this is a clear sign of an unfinished gestalt.

Your worry and anxiety are visible to the naked eye to anyone. And for this reason alone we can say that you are not ready for a new relationship. Who would want to make acquaintance or continue to communicate with a person who clearly shows signs of mental illness. Yes Yes. This is exactly what it looks like.

Inability to complete things (both in relationships and at work)

You cannot finish things, usually for reasons unknown to you. It seems as if an invisible irresistible force is preventing this. And then a person looks for signs of karma, fate, damage, curse, etc.

In a relationship, this means that you are “starting to gather clouds” (in new ones) and have not done anything to complete the previous ones. And you yourself immediately remember that your mother (grandmother, aunt, great-grandmother, etc.) had about the same thing, it’s in the family, you can’t take it away, you’ve been with it through life, etc. Meanwhile, the matter - only in yourself (and your relatives, most likely, also had open gestalts!). That's all the mysticism.

Avoidance of relationships

Avoiding new relationships is avoiding new pain by analogy with the old one (troubles are remembered most of all with an open gestalt). Moreover, sometimes you don’t even fully understand that you yourself are avoiding relationships. In such cases, people tend to hide behind important, perhaps even non-existent, matters. You are invited to the cinema, and you unconsciously suddenly decide that today you need to visit your parents, although they did not ask you to do this and would generally be happy if they finally met a new person! Or a man (whom you basically like) shows signs of attention, and at that time you decide to go on vacation, and the relationship does not have time to develop, etc.

The same scenario for subsequent relationships

This is called “stepping on the same rake.” That is, a person with an incomplete gestalt often finds himself in the same situation (he is robbed several times, gets into accidents, becomes a victim of scammers, etc.). But in relationships, he always behaves approximately the same (this is the order of things in unclosed past relationships), and therefore they are doomed to another failure.

If you want to have a fundamentally new relationship with a person you have never had before, remember: you must change yourself. Understand and accept yourself, complete open gestalts with former partners, and only then try to build a new line. When you yourself change, the results will not keep you waiting long.

In a state of passion

The behavior of a person in a state of high-functioning depression is similar to behavior in a state of passion. Passion is a highly charged state in which there is a lot of excitement, excitement and energy. However, when obsession is added to this, various “isms” arise: workaholism, alcoholism, sexaholism, etc. But a healthy form of passion is a good state. A person throws away everything unnecessary and understands that he wants only this, with this particular person, and a passionate impulse appears. Usually this happens at speed, very brightly, expressively, sometimes with passion. In love passion there is tenderness, excitement and aggression.

And this is good if the passion does not become a chronic state. It cannot be long, otherwise the person becomes exhausted. The mechanism for the emergence of passion is similar to the formation of a gestalt: external or internal stimulation. But it can manifest itself in different ways. Some people are not sensitive to the impulses of others, it is difficult to arouse them to life, they do not have “sex” with life. After all, a sexual impulse does not necessarily happen in bed. It can be at work or in entertainment - it is high pleasure and many impulses.

It’s interesting that some people show up in life without passion and are sure that this is not their story. But after talking with such a person, you understand that he has enough passion inside, but only in his consciousness there are limiting beliefs. Passion cannot be suppressed, so conscious “modest people” often change radically at some point, and then their life begins to boil. Sometimes it’s even difficult to stop them!

Of course, it is better to let your passion come out gradually, without explosions. To do this, you can use the help of a loved one who will support you in passionate impulses, or work with a therapist who will remove unnecessary restrictions.

If this is not done, the incomplete gestalt of passion will begin to manifest itself as chronic dissatisfaction, boredom, lethargy - it is very difficult to want something and constantly not receive it. To determine what you really lack, think about what you envy and what you judge other people for. It is in these questions that you have a shortcoming that you need to work with and allow yourself to do what you want.

Many people live an average life along the route “home - work - home” and are content with little. In principle, they do not express their “wants” - a promotion, increased earnings, pleasure in sex... Such people prohibit themselves from pleasure and this prohibition extends throughout their lives. You must be able to want! Allow yourself to want, and a lot. It is natural for a person to want a lot - to live life to the fullest, to be satiated, to enjoy. Unfortunately, in our society there is a widespread ban on pleasure. And if there is a person who allows himself to have pleasure, then society rejects him. This is how everyone lives with unfinished gestalts, not at full strength.

How to close a gestalt

Closing the gestalt in a relationship is a process that must be gone through.

The best way to close the gestalt is to complete what you started; in our case, to end the relationship with your ex-lover, putting all the dots in place yourself. But since this is not always possible, you can resort to psychological techniques that can help in this matter.

Simulation of the situation

It is creating a model of your future relationship as if it could continue. You think, experience these emotions again - you get a new scenario. The main thing here is to preserve the roles that you played, with the psychological characteristics inherent in you and your partner.

Transferring the situation

This is the moment when you can, in a new relationship, try to play out any situation that has been troubling you for a long time. To do this, talk to your partner, ask him to be caring and understanding in this case in order to help you. Play the situation again, and the gestalt may close.

Refusal to fight

This is a self-hypnosis technique. You must try to convey to your consciousness the simple idea that the past should remain in the past, otherwise you do not have a present and the future is unlikely to appear. You need energy to build new relationships, and not to cultivate thoughts about old ones that will no longer exist.

Removing the problem from the unconscious

This is a technique that helps, on the contrary, to focus on the past in order to complete the gestalt. You probably have thoughts related to especially bright moments in your old relationship. You need to pay attention to these images, scroll through them - and with the help of your mind you will remove the problem from the unconscious, and the gestalt will close.

Mistakes that are best avoided

We have already mentioned that a mistake can be trying to knock out a wedge with a wedge. In addition to suppressing emotions and other dangers, there is another one - you can become an open gestalt for someone. You should not use a person for your own purposes.

The second popular mistake is “hold on, man” (true for girls too). Many people, especially men, suppress their true emotions in every possible way. A mask of indifference will not lead to anything good. Sooner or later, the subconscious will throw out everything suppressed. And it’s impossible to say exactly what this will result in: a nervous breakdown, illness, a quarrel with a random person, or something else.

When is the help of a psychotherapist needed?

Of course, it is very difficult to cope with an unfinished gestalt if there is a break with the closest and most beloved person. But it is important to understand that by constantly losing the situation and returning to it again and again, you only open up your own wound, preventing it from healing and the gestalt being completed. You can't leave halfway, you can't stay halfway.

If you can't help but think about the departed person for a very long time, remove all his things out of sight. Changing jobs and places of residence helps. However, if this is impossible and you are tormented again and again, and in addition, you are tormented by panic attacks (panic in front of a new person or because you cannot live without your ex-lover), phobias (in front of a new relationship), a feeling of great loss, not passes and you become depressed, you need to consult a specialist - a psychotherapist.

There is a concept of Gestalt therapy. This is awareness and acceptance by a person of himself. When you accept yourself as you are now, you have a chance to change your attitude towards the situation and strive for the completion of the gestalt.

Gestalt therapy: alone or with a psychologist

You can practice Gestalt therapy on your own, but there are cases when the help of a professional is needed, namely:

you have frequent stressful situations;
you have difficulties communicating with loved ones;
you have difficulty adapting to a new environment;
you have long-term depression;
you are a victim of violence (mental or physical);
you have suffered a bereavement;
you have phobias;
you cannot achieve your goal;
you cannot satisfy your desire;
you cannot live for today;
you cannot understand your feelings and sensations.

In these cases, the help of a Gestalt therapist will be very necessary; it is important to find a good specialist so that the effectiveness of the sessions is as high as possible.

Back to life

If a person feels that he is unable to cope with the problem on his own, he needs to see a psychotherapist. Therapy is aimed at awareness and perception of oneself as an individual, as a holistic image. Through awareness, the client accepts the rejected aspects of the personality. These are emotions, character traits and desires. After this, it is important to continue working. It should be aimed at accepting oneself and restoring personality. A person must be independent, that is, follow his own aspirations, and not make other people's dreams come true.

How to build new relationships

Don't rush if it seems like the time hasn't come yet. There is no point in building a relationship with a new person just to prove something to your ex-partner. This only helps temporarily.

If we are talking about a full-fledged new relationship, then, first of all, you need to honestly admit to yourself that you are very worried. You shouldn't wear a mask of indifference when you want to cry.

It is important to be honest and open with yourself. It is important to build a model of future relationships and determine which mistakes should no longer be made. New relationships should be built only when there are no open gelstatts associated with another person.

Thus, an unclosed gestalt represents a rather serious psychological problem. This is the state that best suits the definition of “incompleteness.” The more such incompletenesses in a person’s life, the more difficult it is for him to build his happy future.

What it is

The question “how to be happy” has worried people since ancient times. There are dozens of answers to this question, but none of them are exhaustive. But doctors and psychologists have long come to understand that if a person is consumed by thoughts about something that happened a long time ago, he will not be able to live effectively today. He will make mistakes at work, have trouble sleeping at night, he will constantly not have enough time for his family, because every free minute he mentally goes back again. When a person realizes the problem, he can turn to a psychologist with a question about how to close the gestalts. Unfortunately, this is not so easy to do. First you need to understand the mechanism of this phenomenon.

My recommendations

Our psyche does not tolerate incompleteness and uncertainty. Subconsciously we strive for comfort and stability. Therefore, we will try to satisfy the need from an open gestalt. But isn't it better to do this consciously? And here's how:

clearly describe what is bothering you;
identify the main need;
satisfy her.

For example, you are still worried that your parents did not buy you a toy or did not allow you to enroll in a music club and instead sent you to drawing. Buy a toy now for yourself, learn to play a musical instrument on your own, “finish off” the gestalt according to the scheme that we discussed above, and continue to live happily. Everything here is more or less simple and clear.

But what if the gestalt is associated with something intangible, for example, with a cruel attitude of your parents towards you, with dismissal or breakup of a relationship without an explanation? The working principle is the same, but it will take more time. You cannot force another person to be with you or behave differently towards you, you cannot change another.

What does it mean to close the gestalt? In simple words and accessible language, this means satisfying a significant need inherent in it, completing the task. This applies to both the material and the spiritual:

You worry that you didn’t get enough care from your parents as a child. Write down what you understand to be caring and give it to yourself.
Are you worried that you never confessed your love to some girl? Do it now or use the writing technique (depending on the big picture, current circumstances in general).
You still don’t understand why someone stopped communicating with you? Ask him about it or mentally construct a dialogue and tell yourself what you want to hear.
Are you worried that you didn't give a book to the library when you were a child? Take it now or donate some books to another library.
Did your parents forbid you everything as a child? Allow yourself now to live in accordance with your desires. Please note: do not act to spite your parents or try everything, but turn only to what meets your desires, helps develop abilities, etc.

What is the danger?

Unclosed gestalt is a condition that can develop into serious psychological problems. People constantly accumulate a huge amount of unfinished gestalts and don’t even notice it. As a result, over the years, many people develop nervousness; it seems that everything is not going as it should.

When the gelstat in a relationship is not closed, first of all, the person begins to experience constant discomfort and dissatisfaction with life. This can even provoke suicidal thoughts.

Nervoses, psychoses and other pathologies may develop. A person begins to suffer from prolonged depression. The individual becomes very lazy, apathetic, it seems that the person is going with the flow and is no longer trying to change anything in his life.

Signs of an open gestalt in a relationship

This type of addiction is a very common problem.

There are several clear signs that a person is focused on past relationships:

Persistent resentment. This manifestation of unclosed gelstatt can include the state when a person constantly remembers relationships in a negative way.
A person who suffers from an incomplete gestalt constantly compares his current partner with his previous one.
Friendly relations with relatives and friends of the ex-partner. This is considered the norm only if a person does not expect his friends to constantly tell him about the life of his ex-girlfriend or boyfriend.
Too much interest. A sign of an unfinished relationship is that after a breakup, one of the partners constantly monitors the other’s life through social networks.

Any manifestation of dependence indicates the presence of gelstat.

Prevention is the best cure

What does it mean to “close the gestalt”? This means finishing all unfinished business. But it’s even better to simply prevent them from appearing. That is, everything needs to be completed on time, when this matter is relevant. Unfinished processes are attachments to people, repeating life scenarios and places. How not to pick up such bindings?

Always complete your thoughts and deeds. Easier said than done, but otherwise the echoes will remain for a long time.
Always express what you want, don't keep it to yourself. Swallowing a comment out of politeness, holding back your opinions, and keeping your feelings in check is a social communication practice. But all of this is detrimental to your mental health. If you cannot tell a person directly what you think about him, then play out this situation at home, with someone close to you. And here, don’t hold back yourself anymore.
Always express your feelings - this is the first rule that must be followed to close the gestalt. What is this in simple words? It means allowing yourself to experience the situation. Did you feel something? Try to express: shout, sing, draw, hit a punching bag.