Incomplete gestalt: how to find reasons and close the issue

Have you noticed that you often find yourself in the same situations that cause discomfort? They are often caused by unfinished relationships, unforgiven grievances, words not spoken in time... You can get rid of obsessive repetitions, the so-called “unfinished gestalts,” only after their conscious and correct completion.

Gestalt is translated from German as “image, integrity, structure.” Usually we see the world around us in the form of pictures, perceive objects as a whole, and remember our life as individual situations. But there are events in which we are immersed, and something in them is not completed. Thus, gestalt is the need to completely complete the work started in order to restore the integrity of the situation and get rid of accumulated tension. A certain event, when something important for us comes together, becomes holistic and clear, and we come to its solution. To put it simply, gestalt is our desire for completion. Moreover, it is a successful result of our desire for completion, for everything that is started must be completed.

This desire, or rather need, arises in the form of a need that a person wants to satisfy, and it is often associated with self-esteem, functioning or life in general. There are external and internal stimuli. For example, it’s raining and you need to take an umbrella. You don't want to carry an umbrella, but you need one - it's an external irritant. An external stimulus can be described using the example of entering a university under pressure: a mother forced her daughter to enter a medical school because she herself did not do this in her youth, but really wanted to. This is how the daughter closes her mother’s gestalt.

For example, I feel something in my stomach, I hear rumbling in my stomach - it looks like I’m hungry. I think I want to eat, I go to the kitchen, eat, and feel full. The gestalt is over. It arose from an internal irritant that originated in me. This can also be hunger, a thirst for human warmth, recognition, to be stroked on the head and to be close.

The occurrence of unfinished gestalts in everyday life is best observed at work: we plan dozens of tasks, but do not have time to complete even half. These unfinished tasks remain in our subconscious and absorb our energy and attention. Waiters, for example, forget all paid orders: they brought the order, received payment, and “removed” this client from their attention.

Pay attention to planners: you check the box and the task disappears. This is how a person experiences the completion of a situation from the inside: it’s over, he exhaled, he was satisfied, he calmed down, and it’s all over. But it happens that satiety does not come, and we constantly go “hungry” - we fuss, do something unnecessary, unconscious.

When a person accumulates a lot of unfinished business, neurosis often occurs when the psyche “falls apart” and the need for sedatives appears. Some use alcohol, some use pills, other methods. A person loses the ability to prioritize, reject what is unnecessary and focus on what is important. In Gestalt therapy this is called “multi-figure”. This is a state of affairs when all needs, regardless of their real significance, are equally important and needed right now. “I need everything” is the scourge of modern man, total oversaturation and substitution of needs; a state in which it is impossible to get enough of one thing. This can lead to procrastination and even depression.

Depression is not always a depressed state. There is so-called high-functioning depression, when a person is energetic, very productive, achieves success, earns a lot, looks great... From the outside, no one would suspect that such a person could be in a depressed state. But inside he may have a lot of anxiety, which causes fussiness. And then the person spins like a squirrel in a wheel - he is highly functional, and society supports him in this. Such highly functional people are in great demand - trainings are conducted for them, special motivators are developed to further invigorate them and direct them to new work feats. And no one cares how a person feels. Alas, even a two-week vacation in the most luxurious hotel cannot cope with such strong neurosis. This can only provoke a strong regression: a person will eat, sleep, get drunk - and again return to a highly functional mode.

What does it mean to close the gestalt in a relationship?

Closing the gestalt means going back to the past, living through a traumatic situation and ending it. Only after a person receives answers to all disturbing questions and expresses everything that has accumulated, he will be able to let go of the past and live happily in the present.

Example. Without explaining the reason, the man left the girl. He stopped answering calls, ignored messages, avoided meetings and did not make contact if a girl came to his work. After a while, she retreated, but the main question remained unanswered: “Why did our relationship end?” Since then, the girl has not been able to start a new relationship because she is afraid that it will end just as unexpectedly. She is also constantly looking for a reason within herself and has already made a small list of what is wrong with her. But she still can’t be sure that this is the case. In general, continuous doubts and a return to the past. Unclosed gestalt as it is. In this case, closing the gestalt means understanding why the relationship ended.

Working with the subconscious

Every person who appears in your life is a reflection of your subconscious attitudes and programs. Therefore, at the very beginning, you need to analyze what lesson this particular girl taught you and what can be done so that the scenario does not repeat itself in the next relationship.

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For example:

1. If it turned out that the girl was dating you only for money, perhaps there is an attitude in your subconscious that “all women are materialistic.” In accordance with this program, life brings to you people who correspond to it. If you change this attitude to “I am worthy of love just like that,” you will begin to meet completely different young ladies.
2. If a girl did not take your opinion into account, humiliated and insulted you, you should work on your self-esteem and self-love. Perhaps you are not confident enough, consider yourself unattractive or stupid. Analyze and realize why your relationship turned out the way it did.
3. And so, step by step, analyze all the problems in your former relationship. Determine which of your subconscious programs caused the breakup. And start changing negative attitudes to positive ones.

Important: this is not about guilt, but about responsibility. You must admit that you created your relationship yourself. They chose just such a girl, solved problems in their own way, experienced exactly the emotions they gave free rein. And in the same way, you have the power to radically change the situation.

Recommendation: Read the book “Radical Forgiveness” by Colin Typing to heal from negative emotions and truly let go of an ended relationship, stopping suffering and blaming women for all mortal sins. This may be enough if your case is not too advanced.

If you can’t cope with negative emotions on your own, consult a psychologist. A specialist will help you not only forget your ex-girlfriend, but also meet a new one in the future and build a completely different, happy and harmonious relationship with her.

Signs

It seems to you that you are walking in circles, stepping on the same rake - these are the main signs of an open gestalt. The essence of the phenomenon is that with an incomplete gestalt, subconsciously the person himself again and again creates conditions similar to those of the problematic situation from the past. And he himself finds people who will help him lose the situation. He repeats the traumatic story over and over again, wanting to understand it, but it all ends the same way: the story ends approximately in the same place as the last time.

How to complete the gestalt in a relationship yourself

So, how can you independently close the gestalt in a relationship with a man or woman when breaking up? The same techniques can be used. Subconsciously, many people themselves turn to this. However, let's look at what is more common in one case or another.

With a man

Many women act on the principle of “wedge by wedge”, or rather “man by man”. They are looking for someone who will outshine the previous one, who will make them forget about their past partner, and in general about everything in the world. There is a restructuring of the gestalt. Another young man becomes a significant figure. True, this method also has disadvantages. First, you will again fall into the comparison trap. Secondly, subconsciously you yourself can interfere with building new relationships. Because of this, psychologists rarely advise using this method, but in some places you can find such recommendations, and it helps someone.

With a woman

If women more often “kick out” a man with a man, then representatives of the stronger sex choose work or some kind of hobby as an alternative. They try to make friends, hobbies, and work the meaning of life, a significant figure. But there are also dangers here: the risk of suppressing emotions rather than getting rid of them, which will aggravate your condition and the likelihood of becoming a workaholic. The latter, in advanced cases, transforms into a form of addiction and a means of escaping reality. But again, this method helps some.

Important! When closing the gestalt in a relationship with a man or woman using the methods described, do not forget to consciously work with manifestations of trauma. For example, learn to catch yourself thinking when you want to visit your ex-partner’s page on a social network again, and divert your attention to something else, forbid yourself to do this with all your might.

Impact on loved ones

If only the individual himself suffered from an incomplete gestalt, then this would not be so bad.

The saddest thing is that close people are involved in the process, often innocent of anything.

This is expressed in well-known situations. For example, a child dreamed of becoming a musician, but went to study to become a lawyer because his parents decided so.

Subsequently, all his life he will try to make his child a musician without asking his desire . Although it was possible to realize your dream much later, even in a slightly different form.

Also, a girl who was once betrayed by her lover will annoy her new lovers with her jealousy and constant control.

If the breakup occurred on the eve of the wedding, then the woman may develop an obsessive desire to organize a celebration, no matter what. This will be her goal and the meaning of the relationship, not the relationship itself.

Sometimes very difficult situations . For example, a pregnancy ended in miscarriage. After this, the woman is afraid to get pregnant again, so as not to experience new grief.

The diagnosis of “chronic miscarriage” or “unexplained infertility” often has nothing to do with physical problems. The girl is absolutely healthy. What prevents her from giving birth to a child is an unfinished gestalt, which provokes a repetition of the scenario.

How to close the gestalt of past relationships

If you can get in touch with the person who is the center of the unfinished gestalt, then you can use the writing technique. You may have heard something similar before - the technique of writing without an address. In our case, when the object is reachable, the letter will have an addressee. It is also important to adhere to three rules for writing an appeal:

1. Sincerity. Talk to yourself first. Throw away everything “I didn’t really want to”, “I’m not offended by anything”, “Yes, it’s painful to worry about everyone here” and the like. Admit to yourself the feelings you are experiencing. Then write about those same feelings and thoughts in a letter. It is important to admit to yourself and to him (her) not only what you are experiencing now, but also what you experienced in relationships, what you were always silent about, what bothered you, what you liked, when you yourself were wrong and what you blame yourself for , what you were offended by, etc. And you can start by describing the present moment: “I’m scared to write this letter to you. I am afraid that my feelings will remain misunderstood and will be ridiculed. It's scary to bare my soul, but I need it. Please help me free myself - read this letter.”
2. I-statements. This technique is used to prevent and resolve conflicts. The point is that instead of “You statements,” you need to say “I statements.” Then any of your requests will not look like complaints or accusations, the person will be more willing to make contact. For example, instead of “You ruined my whole life,” write: “Since we broke up, nothing has been going well for me, I feel insecure, I’m often sad and sad, I’m angry. It seems to me that this is due to the fact that we were never able to calmly talk about everything. Let's meet sometime and dot the i's?"

Note! The I-statement technique is also useful to use in current relationships. For example: Instead of “You don’t care about me,” say “I worry and feel unwanted when you don’t respond to my messages. Could you pick up the phone more often, call back or send an SMS?” The I-statement scheme looks like this: your emotions in the first person + specific conditions, situations, human actions (maximum details and minimum generalizations) that bother you + your wishes, suggestions for resolving the problem situation.

1. Please reply to the letter. As an example, I suggested adding a request to listen to you at the very beginning of the letter, and now at the end you can write another request: “Please answer me.” But still be prepared for the fact that the person will not answer.

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Mistakes that are best avoided

We have already mentioned that a mistake can be trying to knock out a wedge with a wedge. In addition to suppressing emotions and other dangers, there is another one - you can become an open gestalt for someone. You should not use a person for your own purposes.

The second popular mistake is “hold on, man” (true for girls too). Many people, especially men, suppress their true emotions in every possible way. A mask of indifference will not lead to anything good. Sooner or later, the subconscious will throw out everything suppressed. And it’s impossible to say exactly what this will result in: a nervous breakdown, illness, a quarrel with a random person, or something else.

Physical actions

At the second stage, it is important to fill your life with active actions. This will consolidate the results of mental work and return you to the real world, in which there is no pain and suffering.

What psychologists recommend:

1. Ask your manager to give you more work. Give your best, don’t be lazy and overfulfill the plan. Work is the best medicine for emotional distress.
2. Take up exercise if you've never done it before. Or increase the load if training is a habit for you. It is physical hard work that best relieves negative emotions. After a heavy load, you will not be able to suffer; you will only have the strength to get to bed.
3. Try new things. The types of active recreation and entertainment that take you out of your comfort zone greatly reboot your subconscious mind. For example, you can jump with a parachute or perform on stage if you have never done this. Before you take action, you should be scared - overcome this fear.

These recommendations will help you very quickly get rid of suffering, worries and thoughts about your ex-passion. There is an additional bonus - you will become more attractive, stronger and richer if you complete all the points. This means it will be even easier to meet a new girl.