Selfishness is an attitude inherent in us, aimed at fulfilling our own desires and needs. Selfishness, not to the detriment of others, is healthy. It is important to distinguish the healthy form, in its usual manifestations, from the diseased one.
Guilt play
It is very unpleasant to hear such words addressed to you as “selfish/selfish”, “you only think about yourself”, “you only know how to do what you want”, “you don’t think about others”, etc. Almost always these words are used by manipulators to play on a person’s feelings of guilt, albeit unconsciously. Parents often use this method, thinking that they are raising a child, but this is manipulation, not education, and children feel it. We must admit that selfishness is a completely normal and healthy phenomenon for humans. A person has needs and wants to satisfy them; demanding another person satisfy his needs, to the detriment of his own, is irrational; this will cause aggression and conflict. How to establish contact without losing your inner freedom? You need to learn how to communicate correctly. The main problem of all conflicts is that people often cannot convey information to each other, do not hear, or rather do not want to hear each other. This requires communication and analysis skills that can be trained. To begin with, it is important to determine the difference between female and male egoism.
Real selfishness
It is difficult to be around an egoist, because the egoist does not notice anyone except himself. It is difficult to have a conversation with him and expect a return. An egoist is one who takes everything but gives nothing. With such a person it is almost impossible to create a full-fledged family, since there is no energy exchange, but vampirism is present.
In general, God forbid you meet an egoist on your life’s path. And it’s even worse to love him! And it’s even worse to hope for a reciprocal feeling. This is simply impossible. An EGOIST ONLY LOVES HIMSELF.
Where do egoists come from?
There is a hereditary factor and, to a greater extent, a social one. As a rule, the only children in the family become selfish. Since childhood, they have been accustomed to consuming and are not accustomed to sharing and giving, since this was not necessary. Growing into adults, these people can no longer adapt to a different way. This norm of behavior has firmly settled in my head.
According to sociologists, selfishness is more characteristic of women. Perhaps somewhere deep, on a subconscious level, this love of narcissism and narcissism has crept into women. After all, a woman must find a partner for procreation, and the woman who is more attractive can find the best one. So you have to, willy-nilly, sit in front of the mirror and admire your reflection.
Of course this is a joke.
Signs in men and women
With healthy egoism, a man or woman tries to satisfy their needs and interests without harming other people. They predict the further outcome of the actions taken and are aimed at obtaining benefits, which is a normal state. With abnormal egoism, a person tries to get as many benefits as possible without giving anything and using other people to achieve the goal.
In relationships, egoists are guided only by their own interests and live for themselves. Their partners must fulfill their wishes and whims in return for “love.” Such consumer relationships are similar to a “you - for me, I - for you” deal. For example, a woman asks for new shoes, after purchasing which the man will be able to go fishing. The life of such people is like a scheme: if the egoist does not get what he needs, his partner will not receive anything in return. Other signs of selfishness are:
- Inability to listen to the interlocutor.
- Non-recognition and ignoring the comments of others.
- Search for those “to blame” for any failures.
- Confidence in one's own constant correctness.
- Boasting.
- A sense of personal exclusivity.
- Frequent manipulation of people.
- Display of wealth.
- Constant desire to attract attention.
- Dividing people into hierarchical levels.
A selfish guy or girl builds relationships only out of profit. They are able to build long-term relationships only with those partners who will satisfy their demands, which are not necessarily material in nature, although they cannot give anything in return. If the egoist does not get what he demands, scandals arise, and the relationship can end at any moment.
An egoist does not evaluate his partner as a person equal to himself. He initially considers himself superior and makes sure that he is “served.” With irrational egoism, a person does not think about the feelings and experiences of people to whom he inflicts severe mental trauma. This is a person who loves only himself and does not know how to care for others.
Female selfishness
Here are a few signs by which you can understand that you are faced with female egoism:
- An egoist woman speaks only about herself, declares and looks after only her own interests.
- Doesn't listen attentively to what you say about yourself.
- On your birthday he gives you a photo of himself in a beautiful frame (yes, yes, no more and no less).
- He devotes a lot of time to himself and his appearance.
- With all the wealth of choice where to go, you have no options: you will go where the “selfish” commandment is, otherwise there will be trouble.
- A selfish woman is constantly dissatisfied with everything around her. The world is not ideal - not everything is under her control.
- The selfish woman blames everyone around for her troubles, but not herself, puts pressure on everyone and has a “conscience.”
- A selfish woman loves to get on her nerves; she is an energy vampire.
- An egoist often says the words “You must,” “You must.”
- She unceremoniously invades personal space and often hits where it hurts.
- She does everything to make you feel unimportant.
Psychologists advise one thing: “If you meet a selfish woman - RUN”
There is no scientifically proven way to turn a selfish woman into a full-fledged loving woman. Therefore, just avoid selfish people.
How to eradicate greed in yourself
When assessing whether a woman has greed, it is important to clearly understand its meaning. Greed should not be confused or combined with frugality - a positive personality trait. This state implies the logical and rational preservation of existing values to solve any important problems.
How to stop being greedy - follow 7 steps.
- Admitting there is a problem. Search for the causes and sources of development of greed.
- Eliminating from life factors that cause the development of insatiable aspirations.
- Strengthening resistance to stress. The more stable the mental state, the less the influence of fears. The absence of fears reduces psychological pressure and neutralizes the need for insatiable acquisition of goods.
- Adjusting your thinking to a positive wave.
- Formation of new value guidelines.
- Spiritual and intellectual development.
- Getting rid of complexes and phobias, increasing self-esteem.
A greedy woman must understand that the character trait expressed in greed causes significant harm to herself and those around her. Relatives and friends should do everything possible to ensure that the woman understands the presence of this defect and evaluates the consequences of its impact on life. This approach motivates the person to take action to get rid of this negative trait.
It is important to understand that greed is not a death sentence. With this character trait, you can live successfully and prosperously in the modern world. But we also need to understand the danger of excessive development of this feeling. Greed can destroy family, personality, relationships, psyche and life.
Reasonable selfishness is good for the family
I would advise reasonable, healthy selfishness to our Russian women who have a family and children.
Women are sometimes so carried away by the idea of family that they completely forget about themselves! Worries about children, about her husband, about order in the house, about dinner on the stove, about work make up 100% of a married woman’s time.
Working through each of these points and combining them together is like a squirrel running in a drum. It is extremely difficult to jump out of this movement; it has sucked in, twisted, and absorbed.
But we need to get out. You have to become an egoist woman, an egoist mother.
For yourself and your family.
Healthy selfishness for the sake of your husband
How important is it to your husband to have a perfectly tidy home and dinner worthy of a five Michelin star restaurant? If you put it on the scale, on the one hand: a house sparkling with cleanliness, a multi-course dinner and at the same time a tired, unkempt wife in a dressing gown, because she:
- didn’t have time to change clothes because she didn’t have time for herself,
- because she prepared all this and
- then I washed the kitchen after all this... Blah blah blah...
And on the other hand: a house of average cleanliness, a modest dinner from semi-finished products, but a cheerful, flirting wife with twisted curls on her head, in a flirty apron that was not made for cooking?
What will your husband like best?
I have a strong suspicion that he will choose the second option. Of course, family hygiene is important to a man, and the path to his heart was once paved through those same five dishes for dinner. But a man does not live by bread alone! And hardly anyone can exaggerate the importance of sex for men. Therefore, a flirty apron “not for cooking” will win over steamed cutlets!
Cutlets are the prose of life. And a rested wife, full of life, is the very romance that disappears somewhere in marriage. We know where she goes - the wife is busy maintaining hygiene at home and working on a new dinner recipe, but is not at all interested in her own tired face in the mirror.
This is where the advice creeps in: “Be selfish, turn on healthy selfishness.” And not for your own sake, but for the sake of preserving love and marriage.
Reduce the speed of your housekeeping and get rid of perfectionism in the matter of cleanliness. Clean the house not to the “A+” level, but to the “B” level. This is also a good assessment. But spend the freed hours on a bath with foam and salts, on sleep, on beauty.
Everyone knows that a tired woman has low libido. Rest and boost it. You and your husband need this.
Your husband will be grateful to you for such selfishness much more than for all the starched tablecloths and polished forks.
WHAT SOFTWARE
Trap three. And whose goals?
And if you’ve read it, then I have good news. The fact that you want to listen to the voice of your healthy egoism of the heart is a sign of mental maturation.
But it is precisely this growing up that is the most difficult and cunning third trap. Is this your goal? Have you really chosen your path of change, and not succumbed to the desire to prove something to someone?
giphy.com
Very often the voice of social programs, parents and internal critics drowns out our true aspirations, and if your goal contains the postscript “And then everyone will be shocked that I quit my career and went to the seals,” then, unfortunately, this is not a goal. This is a common compensation scenario that is often substituted for meaning. Become famous to prove to everyone. Become successful so that everyone will envy you.
By grasping at a false goal, you run the risk of wasting a lot of time and effort and ending up not getting results, but complete disappointment. After all, if those who should be shocked by your action suddenly lose all interest in you (and this is what happens), then you will no longer need to strain yourself.
Children need a selfish mother
Remember how, when taking off on airplanes, they tell you about rescue measures in case of a crash: “If you are accompanied by a child, put the oxygen mask on yourself first, and then on the child.”
When I first noticed this phrase, I was slightly shocked. Maternal instinct demands at such a moment to forget about yourself and save the child. Then, common sense says that a parent must be capable and active precisely in order to always, at any time, protect and help. Therefore, first the mask is for myself, so that I can breathe freely and have the strength to save my child, and then for my child.
But in life we do not observe this simple law of nature.
Blind maternal love clouds women's brains so much that they do not understand the obvious thing - a child needs a psychologically healthy, calm, caring mother. And there is absolutely no need for a hysterical, twitchy mother, tired of all the troubles. In her desire to give her child the maximum possible: clubs, tutors, entertainment, the mother rushes around within a radius of 50-70 km around Moscow, turning into a squeezed lemon by the end of the day.
And as a result, the child is waiting for an exhausted fury instead of a kind mother. What kind of bedtime story is this when mom didn’t have even an hour of peace all day long?
Here’s the question: who needs this anyway?
Here, too, scales of adequacy are needed.
On the same note: the child is extremely busy, lack of free time (supposedly this is good), development is progressing by leaps and bounds (it seems), but this is accompanied by a nervous, chronically tired mother who is unable to speak calmly, but only in a raised voice, who has lost contact with the child due to lack of free time.
On the other side: the child is not very busy, he has a couple of extra classes. He spends a lot of time in a state of peace and stability with a normal, calm mother; they have pleasant conversations about what is interesting to the child, about what is going on at school.
The mother is aware of everything that is happening in the soul and in the life of her child, because the mother made a reasonable selection. Took into account my own time and my own workload. Turned on “female egoism” and turned off “maternal instinct”.
After all, a mother needs reserves in order to continue to give her child love. Children need the energy their mother gives them more than knowledge. And it often happens that knowledge is exchanged for maternal warmth.
