Love addiction, or relationship addiction, takes on different masks. Someone gets fixated on one partner and cannot get out of a relationship that, in fact, only brings suffering and depletes.
Someone often changes partners, but chronically cannot remain in a state of loneliness in order to at least take a little break from stormy romances and live for themselves.
Most often, women suffer without relationships. Although dependent men are also not uncommon.
What is the main sign of addiction among couples in love? These are the relationships about which they say: “You can’t leave, you can’t stay.” In this phrase, the comma constantly occupies different places, depending on the emotional state of the partners.
Everyone knows the signs of a dependent relationship. You are tormented, suffering, all your thoughts are absorbed by him or her, you constantly monitor your partner’s page on social networks, check his phone, throw tantrums and scenes of jealousy.
You make claims, accuse, make scandals, quarrel violently and make up in bed, you are constantly not satisfied, your beautiful couple is like an Italian family.
You scream, insult, cry, slam the door, but you cannot live without him or her.
Sound familiar? In the post-Soviet space, all this is usually called love, although this kind of relationship between a man and a woman has little in common with a bright feeling and real intimacy. We are talking about real addiction here.
Features of female love affection
First, it’s worth understanding why this problem may be more acute for women than for representatives of the stronger half of humanity. The difference lies in the very mechanics of the formation of love. For men, this process happens faster, easier and simpler, since they take everything into their own hands, like conquerors. In addition, the male sex, as is known, “loves with his eyes,” so feelings for his beloved usually do not have a tight connection in the early stages. Accordingly, it is easier for them to let go of the object of love.
In the case of women, the process of forming feelings is more complex and multifaceted. They feel their partner more subtly, trying to evaluate him by his internal qualities and actions. Therefore, the value of the feeling that arises also increases. And if a woman is fixated on a man, then parting with an attachment that has developed for so long and difficultly will be much more difficult. That is why, at the first signs of a feeling of hopelessness in a love story, it is recommended to immediately begin working on the natural destruction of the slightest dreams about the partner you like.
Childhood developmental trauma
For relationship psychology, the topic of addiction is number one. Why are some people able to maintain boundaries with their partners, while others lose themselves in every love affair and literally lose themselves?
Relationship psychologists see the causes in childhood trauma.
If the girl’s mother did not satisfy her needs for intimacy and acceptance, was unpredictable, then brought her closer, then pushed her away, the child had to control her.
This control occurs unconsciously. What if an emotionally unstable mother screams or hits? The child has to turn on his “internal radar” and closely monitor his mother in order to predict her mood.
Mom can also be very cold and distant. The child has chronically unsatisfied vital needs for love and attention, and he will strive to get it at any cost.
How? Trying, again, to control the mother, to adapt to her. But the main thing is that a child cannot survive without a mother; in the psyche, dependence on the mother is “prescribed” at the evolutionary level.
And if the object of attachment in childhood did not satisfy the girl’s vital needs, she will transfer this model to almost all of her relationships with people, including men.
The essence of addiction is the constant hope of receiving love, which can never be justified. In psychology, this style of building relationships is called insecure attachment.
As children, not each of us could trust our very first partner - our parent. Accordingly, as adults, we are ready to sacrifice anything in exchange for love.
Recognizing fixation in the early stages
Being inspired by the pleasant feeling of falling in love is quite natural for all people. But as soon as it turns into a painful concentration of attention on the object of love, this is the first sign that the emotional attachment to the person needs to be broken.
A woman in such a state may strive for constant control over a man, demand increased attention from him to herself, and at the same time ignore the personal interests of her partner. What is also important: her life in various manifestations loses its relevance and fades into the background. How not to get hung up on a man at this stage? If little time has passed, it makes sense to simply exclude such a person from your attention. A sober look at assessing the situation will help with this.
Take and give
A healthy relationship between a man and a woman is a balance between receiving and giving. If we give something - attention, love, support - then we expect to receive something in return.
In dependent relationships there is always an imbalance. Someone acts as a donor (codependent partner), and someone acts as a recipient (in the psychology of relationships there is a term for such partners - counterdependent).
The codependent invests in the counterdependent like a black hole: resources, attention, care. And the counterdependent accepts it with pleasure, but is in no hurry to compensate for the expended energy.
Why does addiction occur? Its essence is the desire to receive compensation for effort and energy.
Fixing the problem
As soon as signs of obsession with a person have been recorded, the first thing you should do is confront yourself with the fact that there is a problem. Already by this moment you need to realize that life essentially began to belong to your lover, and this does not promise happiness. One can only expect vain sacrifice from such a relationship. In addition, a partner can take advantage of this position of a woman who has fallen in love with him for selfish purposes, which should also be thought about.
And again it’s worth returning to the question of how to stop obsessing over a man? The psychology of relationships suggests that such attachment can be compared to a severe bad habit, the craving for which is constantly fed. Without your loved one, there is a feeling of withdrawal, like a hangover, so you shouldn’t prepare for the easy way out. Further work will be hard, but it must be done first of all for your own sake.
Make a self-improvement plan
You can even have a separate notebook for this.
It is convenient to divide the notebook into areas. For example, the first 10 pages are for health, the next 10 are for career, and so on.
It can be done differently. Describe your goals on the first page, and keep a detailed diary of your achievements on the rest.
Make schedules, daily and training routines, nutrition and training plans, draw graphs, draw tables. You can use special applications on your smartphone. The main thing is that you feel comfortable.
Tip: A very convenient tool is mind-map. We recommend that you pay attention to it.
Give free rein to feelings
Trying to completely lock yourself in a cocoon of experiences will be wrong. Since fixation on a man is in itself a powerful source of energy, it needs to be released with the same force. Concentrated feelings of pain, resentment and even anger should be released. The best way to do this is through tears, screams and even hysterics. Moreover, this must be done intentionally and regularly. This outburst of emotions is necessary to make room inside for new feelings and sensations.
If you are fixated on a man and feel only bright emotions towards him, this is a reason to look for negative aspects associated with him. They will definitely be found and they need to be emphasized, as well as pleasant moments, because of which there is a feeling of loss of one’s happiness.
Why do women have thoughts about their husband cheating?
If you have ever thought and imagined in detail how your husband is cheating on you, you are not alone. Since a woman is primarily driven by her feelings and emotions, it is very difficult for her to survive betrayal and forget about it, even if she has forgiven the traitor. Naturally, such thoughts cause constant anxiety and violate trust in a couple.
The result is quarrels and scandals. Why do women behave this way? There are reasons for this:
- they themselves are capable of treason, so they judge by themselves;
- deceived women do not trust people because of their own past experiences, betrayal by loved ones, parents, friends or former partners;
- they lack the self-confidence to feel worthy of love.
According to psychologists, with such suspicions, it is not necessary that the man continues to cheat, but a negative atmosphere in family relationships can again push him to cheat.
Memories of her husband’s betrayal are also a kind of justification for a woman. She likes to be a victim in this situation, thereby justifying her misdeeds. Let's say that a husband cheated on his wife because she stopped attracting him outwardly. Instead of losing weight, taking care of her appearance, getting her hair and manicure done, it is more convenient for a woman to plague her husband and herself with suspicion.
But whatever the reason that it is difficult for a woman to forget about the betrayal of her beloved man, this is a serious psychological problem that needs to be solved.
Keeping your distance
After processing your emotional state, you can begin to take specific actions towards your lover. For example, how not to get fixated on a man if he is in the access zone and does not avoid contact? The first thing to do is remove all possible contact paths. The more direct connections there are, the stronger the need to think about it.
At the same time, indirect irritants that will remind you of the person you like should also be eliminated. If there are gifts, things, photographs and other items that are directly associated with the object of love, it is also recommended to get rid of them.
This recipe may seem cruel, but you can’t do without it. Memories are the very fuel for illusory plans for a happy future that will not happen. Moreover, in questions about how not to get hung up on a man with whom you have already had a relationship, a dilemma regarding the possibility of friendship often comes up. For many women, friendships seem to be the optimal and painless way out of such situations. There will be no more love attachment, but there will not be a complete break either. However, this approach is also undesirable. As psychologists' studies show, a friendship within which there is sympathy on at least one side will interfere with both in building other relationships.
Tips from psychology
Self-development in psychology has a different nature, depending on a person’s needs. At the beginning of your development path, you should decide on your goals. It is necessary to understand what is not satisfactory in your current life and begin to move in the chosen direction.
If there is a lack of free time, psychologists recommend alternative improvement methods that take from 5 to 15 minutes. Develop yourself as quickly as possible without being distracted from work:
- Instead of music, listen to audiobooks and lectures. A long drive to work or home will be useful;
- Read 1 useful piece of advice, fact, or success story every day. This amount will not overload the brain, but the information will be stored in the head;
- Practice meditation. During your lunch break, you can do breathing exercises;
- Find sites on the Internet with information of interest, save them in bookmarks and open them whenever possible.
How to start self-development, everyone decides for themselves. If one person likes to read educational books, another will like training and live communication. The main thing is not to stand still, any action will be justified and will be beneficial.
Ways to relieve pain
So, all contacts are deleted and life is organized in such a way that the object of affection will no longer remind of itself with its appearance, voice and messages. There is no need to look for new meetings, thoughts about which will still arise.
There will be fewer reasons to think about him, but the internal pain still lives and, perhaps, will increase due to the breakup. How not to get hung up on a man, but at the same time soften the pain of losing him completely? It is necessary to speak out and talk through your experiences. If in the first stages we were talking about an emotional outburst, then in this case it is necessary to express specific feelings associated with the current situation.
You can use a personal diary as a tool for pouring out your soul, regularly writing down in it those feelings that haunt you. But it’s even better if you have the opportunity to tell close friends and girlfriends about what’s happening. Such conversations do not fundamentally change the situation, but they improve the psychological state.
Dependency mechanism
For example, a girl met a guy. She thought about him a lot, perhaps they had already gone on several dates. The woman prepared for them for a long time, thinking about what to say and what to wear.
She rearranged her schedule, made concessions, abandoned other plans. I bought myself a dress and new underwear. All this is the energy that the woman spent.
The man felt that the girl was “stuck.” And he began to distance himself - speaking dryly on the phone, ignoring messages on social networks.
But what happens in a woman’s soul? Unconsciously, she is trying to receive compensation for the energy expended, to return “what is hers.” She wants the same attention.
And the woman begins to think about this man more and more. Monitors his accounts, conducts dialogues with him in her own head. Makes claims, expects investments from him, return of his energy.
And thereby again wastes even more resources! Accordingly, the need for compensation increases.
In the desire for this compensation, you can lose a lot - not only your time, money and mental strength, but even your own personality.
It seems to the girl that she cannot live without this or other relationships. And it's like running in a vicious circle. This is why it is so difficult to get out of the trap of love addiction.
How to fill life without your beloved man?
The next step will be practical activities aimed at changing lifestyle or habits. How not to get hung up on a man if all your attention is focused only on him for a long time? These thoughts can be crowded out by specific regular activities, work, hobbies, hobbies, and spending leisure time with the same friends. During this period, you cannot stay in a confined space without any distracting ways to spend your time. If such classes have never happened before, this is a great reason to start them. A busy life with all its worries and tasks will help take attention away from your lover.
Is it too late to start after 30?
The desire to develop yourself and change something in life can arise at any age, this is normal. At the age of 30-35, a person experiences a turning point in consciousness; he begins to analyze his life and what he has achieved. Life is a constant physical and mental movement; if a person stands still, he degrades. Both at 30 and 40 years old you need to improve yourself.
A man stands near the window
Self-development, where to start after 30 years:
- Health. If before this a person followed bad habits, now you need to pay attention to your body. It is necessary to give up alcohol, cigarettes and junk food to take care of yourself in the future;
- Sports activities. It may seem that sports and nutrition have nothing to do with mental development, but in fact, physical activity improves brain function;
- Reconsider your social circle. Some people the same age stop growing at the age of 30 and slow down those who want to develop. It is not necessary to stop communicating with your best friends; you need to stop justifying your inaction by saying that “they don’t do anything either”;
- Review your activities. Does it bring pleasure or just money? If you don’t like the job, a person will live in constant tension, and you can forget about personal growth;
- Don't be afraid to take risks. After 30 years, you can change a lot in your life: change jobs, move to another city. If there is such an opportunity, you should not miss it;
- Focus on what is happening. If there is something that brings you pleasure, you need to develop in this area. You shouldn’t waste your energy on different activities, do everything at once, it’s better to be a specialist in one thing.
Searching for new love
Due to the instability of the emotional state in the first time after a breakup, it is not recommended to immediately start a new relationship. In this state, it is impossible to build a full-fledged love relationship, since the partner will have to deal with problems that do not concern him. However, this step is something to keep in mind if you're fixated on a man. How to get rid of the feeling of inadequacy and inferiority that will certainly arise if a man does not reciprocate? Of course, only a new partner will help with this, whose love will become a kind of healing factor. But, again, you should open up to new love relationships some time after the old man has been crossed out.
What helps you not give up on cultivation?
If a person does not know how to develop himself, he needs to start with minimal actions. As you achieve your goals, you can increase the requirements for further growth. How to help yourself become better:
- Record your results. A person can be overly critical and forget to praise himself. You need to regularly record your progress so that in a year you can see progress;
- Find a mentor and teacher. This should be a person who inspires, from whom you can learn knowledge. You can read success stories of famous people to understand their life principles;
- Be disciplined. Motivation is a good, but fickle thing. Sometimes you have to do what is difficult, even if you don’t want to;
- Decide on a goal - it could be buying a car, a promotion, or good family relationships;
- Listen to your friends’ advice on self-development; perhaps someone has already faced similar difficulties and will share their experience.
