There is no need to deceive me, I am happy to be deceived myself.”
How often do we hear this phrase? So often that it no longer hurts our ears and is even perceived as commonplace. Indeed, almost every day in our lives we encounter deception. He has many faces, knows how to disguise himself well, and even positions himself as a benefactor. What about honesty? What deep meaning does it carry within itself, or is it no longer held in high esteem in our lives? And the great words of the great poet immediately come to mind:
“It annoys me that the word honor is forgotten, and that in honor there are slander behind the back.” This is what Vysotsky said, and, undoubtedly, he was right in many ways.
Should you always be honest?
First of all, it is worth answering the main question - is it really necessary to always be honest with everyone? The psychologists we interviewed came to a consensus - it is impossible to never lie. Moreover, this is not necessary. Perhaps many will not like such conclusions, because in our society it is customary to condemn lies, and no one wants to deal with a “liar”. Let's then figure out what is good and what is bad.
“Do you always need to be honest? No! Not always and not with everyone! I want to start with the fact that honesty is an attribute of a very strong and fearless person. As you know, people were persecuted, suffered and often died for the truth. Therefore, sometimes telling the truth means inevitable death. And you need to be a super warrior of the Spirit to be ready to die for the truth. There are not so many such strong and honest people. The average person is not willing to suffer too much for his beliefs and he cannot be blamed for this. You have to resort to lying in cases where there is a threat to safety, comfort or goal achievement,” says psychologist and psychotherapist Andrei Smirnov.
According to psychologist Mila Kudryakova,
the truth must be told when asked. Before telling the truth, especially knowing that it may be unpleasant, ask permission, make sure that the person is ready to hear you and has given consent. This form of communication maintains boundaries – yours and the other person’s. You shouldn’t suddenly dump the truth on someone else. Even if a person has given you consent to express his opinion, the truth still needs to be told as carefully as possible, not forgetting about the form of presentation.
“Try to tell everyone the truth for even a day and you will lose friends, job, family, status, reputation, perhaps even freedom. We all have an army of skeletons in our closet, and deliberately withholding some important information is also a form of lying. From this point of view, we lie hundreds of times every second, not talking, for example, about our attitude towards this or that person. Tell the whole truth about yourself on the first date, and there won't be a second. If a child has learned to lie, parents, rejoice, he will go far. The ability to lie is the key to a successful person and his survival in society,” comments the founder of the School of Profaling, an expert on lies and gestures, Ilya
Anishchenko.
People lie for various reasons, says Elena Efimenko, a practicing psychologist, gestalt therapist, and performer of the YouDo service.
Some lie “for the good,” trying to protect a loved one from something bad or unpleasant. Others lie out of selfishness, for their own benefit. Every person has their own excuses for why they use lies in their lives.
Is everything so clear?
In reality, everything is not so simple. Should a doctor be honest? Naturally! How can we trust him with our health and even life if he lies to us, making the wrong diagnoses or prescribing unnecessary medications.
What if, based on the results of your tests, the doctor finds out the terrible truth. Should he then come and tell you point-blank: “Everything is very bad.” No chance. No one and nothing will help you." Are you sure you would like to hear this truth from a doctor? And that such honesty is really much better than understatement. After all, the doctor could have acted differently. Tell you that he was very upset by the results of your tests. And he will think about what can be done. This is a “white lie.” And to say that this is bad would be wrong.
And also, in society, there are stereotypes and dogmas. And you are not at all obliged to follow them. If your path of self-development and self-expression does not correspond to someone else's ideas, this does not mean that you should correspond to them. Live in a way that is true and right for you personally. We repeat: if it does not harm anyone and does not violate the boundaries of other people in any way.
Honesty in relationships
- Honesty breeds trust. And trust is the basis of strong family relationships, friendships, raising children and career growth. How many families have been destroyed due to lies and deception, how many friends and relationships have been lost. And the reason for this is the lack of honesty in relationships between people
- It is important to understand that small lies always develop into bigger ones. It accumulates like a snowball, causing in a person constant feelings of tension, nervousness, guilt and fear of being exposed. This can greatly ruin your life and relationships with loved ones and acquaintances.
- Lying causes stress and health problems.
There is real evidence of the positive impact of honesty on human health. The results of such studies were carried out in America and were published there.
Half of the 110-person group was asked to stop lying for 10 weeks. The other half did not receive any instructions. Scientists assessed the health status and level of interpersonal relationships of each of the subjects on a weekly basis. The number of “wrongs” said was determined using a lie detector.
What can a lie lead to?
A lie can not only have bad outcomes, such as exposure and punishment, but also lead to success, power, salvation, and wealth.
As Ilya Anishchenko says, lying is a tool for achieving a goal, which distinguishes us from animals. It was fantasy and lies that made a man out of a monkey, not work. This is a very complex mental process that develops the brain. It makes you think, predict, remember, analyze information, and choose the right way out of a situation. But there is another side to the coin. You can lie so much that you lose the line between fiction and reality.
“The most unpleasant thing that lies lead to is situations when a person begins to get confused in his own testimony and lie to himself. There are two levels to any lie: personal and interpersonal. At the interpersonal level, lying is dangerous because it undermines the most important thing in a relationship - security. Knowing that we will be told the truth, whatever it may be, gives us a safe space in which we can trust another,” says Mila Kudryakova
To a situation where a lie can be useful, Andrei Smirnov gives a prosaic example: lying to an employer about your age, either downward or upward, can play a positive role in the decision to conduct an in-person interview. In this case, such a small trick helps to circumvent the shortcomings of the formalist approach of personnel officers.
Myths
Honesty and sincerity cause indescribable dissonance in people's minds. On the one hand, there is a reinforced concrete morality that glorifies the strength, significance and beauty of these qualities. On the other hand, there is pressure from the desire for a well-fed life, which contradicts honesty. From contradictions come extremes, and from extremes come myths.
Sincere = naive
Naivety is an almost despised quality among people. It is considered a sign of youth, inexperience, immaturity. A naive person is pure; he has not yet had time to plunge into the abyss of injustice and cruelty. He is open, he doesn’t need lies “for the good” yet. Such characters appear often. But among sincere people there are those who came to this consciously, refusing self-deception. The world's lies begin with lying to oneself. It brings the inner world into dissonance. Establishing an honest dialogue with your inner self is the first step towards openness to the world. To do this, it is not necessary to turn a blind eye to injustice, deception, human vices, or forget human sins and insidious nature. Awareness of this does not go away with the advent of harmony. It is the attitude that changes, not the vision.
Honesty is the quality of fools
There is no benefit to telling the truth. The world pays for lying. 80% of money is concentrated in the hands of 20% of skilled liars. The more honest a person is, the less likely he is to take an advantageous position in society. According to popular belief, such a person is a fool. But the chosen lifestyle does not depend on mental abilities, intelligence, or education. Are Buddhist lamas, Indian hermit sages and other ascetics stupid?
Honesty is always virtuous
The truth is used by people for gain. An honest story about a competitor is nothing more than a trick and an attempt to hide one’s own sins. Sometimes the truth is harsh and destructive. A fundamentally honest person does not calculate the gravity of the words spoken, bringing down a waterfall of troubles on the head of the listener. He doesn't care what consequences the truth will lead to. He doesn't care about other people's feelings. He is honest because this is the basis of morality and ethics, hammered into his head with the iron staples of upbringing. In this case, there is no question of virtue.
How to regain trust when you have been declassified?
When we lie, our greatest fear is that we will be exposed. When this happens, we feel guilty and ashamed. What to do when the worst has already happened and the lie has failed?
Ilya Anishchenko advises you to admit your mistake and not continue to lie further. This gives a chance that the person we deceived will forgive us. The whole point is that the equality of all people is inherent in our psyche. And a lie is a deliberate desire to gain an advantage of one person over another. And who likes when we are manipulated and when promises are not kept?
“You need to calm down your emotions: take a break and come up with a plan of justification. The best way to restore trust is to have an open conversation, discuss your own and other people's mistakes. Of course, the degree of antipathy towards you can be very high if you have really left the zone of trust, but it’s worth a try. It is important to promise that this will not happen again, and that you will monitor your emotions. When explaining, you shouldn’t overact, start crying, or make pretentious vows,” comments Elena Efimenko.
According to Mila Kudryakova, it is very difficult to regain trust in a situation where you have been caught in a lie. This is a job for both parties, and the person who lied needs to be prepared to lose trust for some time. The deceiver will have to accept the feelings of the deceived and help cope with them. At the same time, treat mistrust and double-checks adequately, be ready for discussion and open to dialogue. The main thing is to learn to take responsibility for your words and be very attentive to any promises. If you are not sure about something, don’t promise. Another important condition for regaining trust is careful attention to those situations in which a lie occurred. For example, if a wife catches her husband flirting on social networks, then the couple can sit down and write a list of actions that will reassure the deceived partner and stipulate a period during which these actions will be carried out. Thus, a husband can agree that for a month his wife can ask him to show her dialogues in instant messengers once a week without warning. And if the wife does not find any crime there, then she will have the opportunity to regain her security and trust in her husband.
It also happens that it is not possible to completely restore trust. In this case, Andrei Smirnov advises to come to terms with it, take into account past experience and look for a new environment.
Sincerity and Honesty: Differences
Such similar, but different concepts. What is the difference?
Honesty is the truthful reporting of factual information. Sincerity is the harmony of words, actions and internal feelings.
Imagine the situation. A young man cheated on his girlfriend. His former offended passion found out about the offense, quickly collected incriminating evidence and set off to ruin other people’s relationships, hiding behind good intentions. She described the situation extremely honestly and in detail, showed a photo, and shared her story of separation. The girls cried and complained that all the men were... That’s where they parted. The story is true, but what is the intent? It is likely that the good intentions hid not the salvation of the unfortunate girl, but revenge on the ex-boyfriend. There was no sincerity in the honest confession.
Often people are not aware of the reasons for their own behavior. When performing an act, they are guided by thoughts that contradict reality. Modern man is so mired in lies that he cannot admit to himself the true motives of his actions. This is how the mechanism of self-destruction starts.
Should you lie to your employer?
This topic is actually very popular. This is due to new forms of interviews that are coming into our working lives, and to the development and spread of services for finding jobs and employees. This topic is also relevant for those who are not looking for work. Many people also have to lie about the reasons for being late, absent from work, or being fired.
“First, you need to remember that lies always come up and almost always work against the one who lied. If you lie to the employer “at the entrance”, then be prepared for the fact that at some point you may begin to not cope with the amount of work, as a result of which you may experience stress, which will affect you. Otherwise, you will be declassified and, at best, fired, and at worst, you will lose your reputation. At the same time, if you are a specialist in a narrow field or in a small market, then such a development of events may be extremely undesirable for you,” says Mila Kudryakova
Ilya Anishchenko even conducted a survey and found out what people lie about most often during an interview:
And, as we see, the most popular lies are related to what is almost impossible to find out, namely the reasons for dismissal and the true motivation. Is it worth it or not to lie to your employer? Everyone decides for themselves. But it’s worth remembering that lying is very stressful.
Disadvantages of Honesty and Sincerity
Honesty had fewer negative sides:
Honest people are more often deceived
This pattern affects the young and inexperienced. Deceived boys and girls lose their openness over time. Someone else's lies awaken resistance. At the subconscious level, an attitude is formed: honesty is the cause of problems.
A deceived person withdraws into himself, becomes closed, learns to lie. Society gets another bearer of lies “for the good.”
A sincere person is easier to offend
Sincerity goes along with openness. Such people let others get too close. The blow received brings pain and suffering. This is a common scenario for first love, when the youthful psyche is not ready for such shocks. The result is tears, depression, withdrawal from studies/sports/hobbies. In most cases, sincerity disappears along with the first feelings. This scenario is not uncommon both in family and friendships.
Honesty is a burden for the strong
It is difficult for an open, honest and sincere person to look at human cruelty, deceit and rudeness. Soft people have the hardest time. They are easier to put pressure on and easier to use. They get lost under the pressure of rudeness and worry about injustice. They break under the pressure of social mores.
Who should lie and who shouldn't?
To everyone except himself, says Ilya Anishchenko. Self-deception is a favorite state of our psyche. We do not want to admit to ourselves our mistakes, shortcomings and miscalculations. We are afraid to accept them and start working on ourselves.
“Ideally, it is better not to lie to anyone, but given the realities of life, you should always think about the consequences of lying, and make decisions based on this. For example, your mother doesn’t need to tell you that you were sent to serve in a “hot spot.” Apart from frayed mom's nerves, this will lead to nothing. No need to tell your wife that you dropped by for a cup of coffee with an old girlfriend. There will be nothing but hassle at home, although there was nothing with my girlfriend,” says Andrei Smirnov.
The benefits of honesty and sincerity
Despite the suspicious attitude towards honesty and openness on the part of people, it has its advantages.
To be youreself
An honest person does not need masks. He doesn't play, he lives. Yes, such people do not move in high circles, do not make a fortune, do not build a magnificent career. They find a place where their work is needed without deception and pretense. They start a family, children and go to happiness in a way accessible to them, causing the envy of others.
Way to stand out
An honest person is a rarity. There are millions of beauties on earth, hundreds of thousands of owners of cool cars, thousands of owners of luxurious penthouses and castles, but only a few honest people.
Positive attitude towards the world
Sincerity and honesty are a way of life. When these two qualities are combined in one person, a harmonious personality is born. Inner peace leads to contentment and a positive outlook on life.
Psychological health
Lies are the main cause of neuroses. The more often a person tells lies, the more afraid he is of exposure. He constantly monitors himself, checks, verifies, suspects. It seems to him that the lie has already been revealed, that those around him are laughing behind his back at the shameful truth. An honest person is insured against such disorders, he does not suffer from suspicion, does not check every step and enjoys life.
When is honesty important?
Truth, concealment or lies are difficult choices. The modern world is an egocentric universe. What kind of creature is this incomprehensible? An egocentric is a person who depends on the opinions of others. He builds a pattern of behavior in order to appear significant in the eyes of other people. This is an actor. He puts on his face the mask of a happy family man, a person satisfied with life, a respectable citizen. The main rule: control. An egocentric person monitors words and actions and carefully measures the details of the image. He controls the smooth course of a fictional story, whether it is made up or embellished. There are more than 70% of such people in the world. Those who did not learn the rules of the game in childhood learn from their own mistakes in adolescence. This model is generally accepted, fixed and approved for the convenience of all. But is she really that good?
Honesty in love
Sincere first love remains a painful memory in the past. After a series of trial and errors, a person chooses a partner. He does everything to please, attract attention, show his best side - he plays a role, dooming the relationship to failure. And why? No sincerity. Maintaining a mask during close contact will not work for long. It will subside at the first difficulties. A common situation: she married one person and divorced another person.
Concealment causes quarrels. Egocentric fear prevents you from talking about personal and secret things, from admitting a problem, and leads to unexpected conflicts. A man, forced to play the role of a strong shoulder and a stone wall, is unlikely to admit that he dreams of feminine, almost maternal affection and tenderness. A young girl also never admits to complexes that interfere with relationships. But sometimes it’s enough to talk, talk about desires or problems in order to avoid quarrels and misunderstandings.
Imagine Masha, who since childhood has been embarrassed by her contrived fatness. Her husband is pleased with his wife’s figure, but she stubbornly wears baggy clothes, behind which she hides imaginary folds. She closes herself off during lovemaking and goes on diets. Masha is hurt when her husband looks around at the stylish, beautiful women, wanting to pull off his wife’s next robe. Instead of talking, young spouses live alone with their desires and experiences, accumulating fears and dissatisfaction. The marriage is approaching breakdown.
Sincerity and family ties
Deception begins from childhood. Parents love to lie, justifiably or not. Children seem small and stupid, but they copy the behavior of adults. From them the child learns what a lie is and carries it into life. Immediate impulses: joy, laughter, fun, tears are interrupted by adult instructions about the inappropriateness of emotions. Having realized that the behavior is unpleasant for adults, children change tactics. They strive to be liked, to receive the love and approval of adults, and from childhood they lose sincerity and forget about honesty.
The usual family drama. Little Vitalik has felt since childhood that his mother is unhappy with him. Whatever he does, he receives lectures and scolding in response. Vitalik knows one thing: his mother likes it when he recites poetry in public. Realizing this, he begins to use knowledge to achieve the love of his neighbor. He doesn't like poetry, and he doesn't like his mother's friends. When Vitalik grows up, poetry will be replaced by A's in mathematics, and then by the physics department at a state university. The boy dreamed of becoming an artist, but all his life he would hide his “I” and lie to others for the sake of approving smiles.
Honesty and business connections
The choice of profession determines how honest a person can be. In this area of life, sincerity is clearly regulated and driven into boundaries and norms.
The higher a person rises, the less openness he allows himself. Business relationships create distance and limit the range of issues discussed.
Imagine honest Vasya, who at a meeting decided to tell the investor that his company’s project is a scam and not worth the money. Openly, boldly, decisively. And so the unemployed daredevil moves to live with his mother. The career has been sealed.
It’s hard for honest people in the world of sales and advertising. Openness is the enemy of managers. Doctors, teachers, investigators, accountants - society sets limits for everyone.
Honesty and sincerity are positive in dosed form. Openness is the gift of close relationships. But it is achieved only by being honest with yourself. Is it worth fighting against egocentrism and lies? Yes! But extremes in this matter do not lead to good.
Option 1
(402 words) The expression “to be honest with oneself” means a person’s willingness to fairly evaluate his thoughts, actions, and feelings. Such people always objectively judge themselves and are scrupulous about their moral qualities. We often meet such heroes on the pages of our favorite books.
For example, in the novel by F.M. Dostoevsky's “Crime and Punishment” we meet Rodion Raskolnikov, who from the very first chapters amazes us with his sincerity and readiness for self-flagellation. “But I talk too much. That’s why I don’t do anything, because I chat,” he admits to himself. The hero is prone to self-criticism and more than once catches himself in reprehensible actions and thoughts. He punishes himself for inaction, cowardice, inappropriate and empty boasting to himself. For example, Rodion tries to slip past the landlady because he is ashamed of his debts, and immediately notices his stupid fears, which are completely incompatible with his “test”. He doesn't miss a single detail. Sometimes Raskolnikov, oppressed by poverty and social injustice, is oppressed by the awareness of his own delusion: “What kind of dirt, however, my heart is capable of.” An inner voice seems to dissuade him from committing murder. Honesty to himself is Rodion's hallmark, and it does not allow him to relax and come to terms with his shortcomings.
Another hero, Konstantin Levin from the novel by L.N., is no less straightforward towards himself. Tolstoy's Anna Karenina. This is a very conscientious and virtuous person who even keeps a special diary, where he takes into account all his mistakes and vices. He doesn't hide anything from himself. There are details about his novels and relationships with women, about his attitude towards God and religion, about his innermost feelings and thoughts. This kind of naked honesty may even hurt other people. Later this notebook will go to Kitty, his fiancee. She reacted to this entire confession with sobs and was amazed at the frankness of her future husband. Levin did not hide anything from her because he was merciless to himself. He felt guilty for taking an innocent girl as his wife, and he already had solid experience behind him: “The terrible thing is that we are old, already with the past... not love, but sins... suddenly we get closer to a pure, innocent being; it is disgusting, and therefore one cannot help but feel unworthy.” As we see, Konstantin does not hide anything from himself, he is extremely honest with himself and with everyone who is close to him.
Thus, the one who is honest with himself constantly controls and judges himself, because he sees all the shortcomings, mistakes and mistakes. Such people listen to the voice of conscience and try not to mislead anyone. Sincerity becomes the basis of their relationships with the environment.
How dishonesty affects you
In some situations, it is easier to choose the dishonest, easier path than the correct one, which requires more effort. Dishonesty can be an aid to achieving a goal. But this easy path can cause condemnation and criticism from others, and become a big problem for a person in the future.
Trust of others
As a rule, all relationships are built on trust. Two close people who trust each other feel the security and reliability coming from their partner. But trusting relationships do not appear immediately; they can take years to build. In order to gain the trust of another person, you need to be honest and open; one lie can block everything that has been created for so long.
Many relationships have been destroyed as a result of deception by one of the partners. Once a trusting relationship is broken, it is almost impossible to restore it.
Honesty is the basis of good relationships built on trust.
Dishonesty Begets Dishonesty
Robert Innes, a professor at the University of California, argues that dishonesty is like a dangerous virus that infects everyone around us. He believes that honesty in the modern world is a scarce commodity. In every country, businessmen steal, politicians lie, and ordinary citizens try to get what they want without making any effort.
But not everything is really so sad. Most people try to be honest, it just doesn't always work out.
Being honest does not mean telling the truth always and to everyone, it means not going against established moral principles and laws. Reason is given to man so that he can distinguish when he needs to be honest and when it is better to remain silent.
When a child accepts a lie as the truth, then there is a risk that he will grow up to be a real deceiver who will not see any problem in this.
People who encounter a dishonest, two-faced person can either adopt his attitude in life by following his example, or refuse to communicate with him forever. Maintaining neutrality in this case is quite difficult, since dishonesty is a “contagious disease” that is transmitted from one person to another.
You need to justify not other people’s expectations, but your own
The only approval you really need is your own.
Bowandtie's editors recommend doing what you want. Without compromise, but within the framework of the axiom “my freedom ends where the freedom of another begins.” Because you won’t be able to be good for everyone, but you can be good for yourself.
And remember: we - the author of this text and the editors as a whole - do not claim to be the only true truth, unlike those who replace your interests with their own, acting according to the scripts of a zombie that bites another person and turns him into the same zombie.
Well, if you can’t do without authoritative advice, then here are the words of a really cool guy whose opinion it makes sense to take into account:
“Your time is limited, don't waste it living another life. Don't get caught up in a creed that exists on other people's thinking. Don't let the views of others drown out your own inner voice. And it is very important to have the courage to follow your heart and intuition." - Steve Jobs .
