January 20, 2021
Hello, dear readers of the KtoNaNovenkogo.ru blog. The word “flattery” usually evokes a negative reaction because it is associated with deception and insincerity.
Despite this, many of us resort to flattery towards others, accept it towards ourselves, and sometimes even flatter ourselves!
Why is modern society so susceptible to flattering speech? What is the danger of flattery and how to resist it?
What kind of flattery is there?
Flattery is difficult to classify. The first thing that comes to mind is the quality of flattery: skillful, subtle and awkwardly frank.
Subtle flattery
This is the pinnacle of art. She buys love, enslaves hearts. A person submits to the will of a flatterer to the subtle romance of sweet speeches, skillfully performed for the delight of human self-love. It is almost impossible to notice such a lie. The subtle flatterer is a professional psychologist. He senses people and selects an individual key for each one.
Crude flattery
Crude flattery does not evoke pleasant emotions. It unpleasantly surprises, stuns and repels a person. Flattery is a tool of manipulators. It is painful to realize that a person gives a compliment, succumbing not to a sincere impulse, but to the desire to benefit.
The result depends on the skill of the flatterer and the carelessness of the victim: a feeling of satisfaction, annoyance, anger, laughter, shame, embarrassment. The wrong compliment will cause awkwardness and confuse the person. Obvious falsehood will lead to rejection, disappointment, and contempt.
Flattery buys smart and stupid, women and men, poor and rich. To please someone else's ego, people choose different methods :
Flattery in words
This is the most common technique. It's not just women who love ears. Men also fall for skillful compliments. Words must be used carefully. The main thing is attention to detail and unusual nuances. Platitudes make lies obvious. Having noticed an interesting detail or a characteristic manner of behavior, the flatterer has already shown attention and spent time. This fact alone makes a compliment meaningful and special, even if it lacks sincerity. For flattery to be successful, you need to start a conversation about your interlocutor. People love interest in themselves. They relax and forget themselves, trying to remember the greatest “And I...” of their lives and surrender to the mercy of the listener.
Flattery in action
Actions are worth more than words. Their value is immeasurably higher, but much more effort is spent. A subtle technique is listening. Listening does not mean remaining silent. This is an active process: nod in time, ask a question, give a hint. Actions show attitude towards a person. Ask for practical advice, present a nice gift, provide the necessary service - you need to know the person in order to guess the plan of events. Actions bind more effectively than words.
Flattering words and actions are insincere. A person tells a lie and does what he doesn’t want to do, looking contented and happy.
Flattering behavior is often observed in people at the level of automatic actions. Trying on social roles, a modern person subconsciously knows who needs to say what and to whom in order to get what he wants.
Flattery is praise for selfish purposes.
The word “flattery” is borrowed from Old Church Slavonic and is literally interpreted as intrigue, cunning.
In modern Russian, the meaning of the word flattery is hypocritical praise, praise with the aim of gaining profit. It's essentially a false compliment.
Synonyms:
- Sycophancy
- Subservience
- Ingratiation
Derivatives from the word flattery:
- Flattering is giving insincere praise to another person in order to gain favor or concessions from him.
- Flattering – deceitful, insincere.
- A flatterer is a person who resorts to flattery.
When they say about someone that he is flattering, it means that this person is insincere in his compliments, pursues selfish goals, and is capable of deception for his own benefit.
Who are we flattering?
Flattery can be conscious or unconscious. Without suspecting it, a person says pleasant things to others in order to avoid troubles, make up for awkwardness, and be liked. The right words seem to be born in your head. Real manipulators have the gift of sweet words. Girls say nice things to get benefits more often than men. But representatives of the stronger sex have achieved high results by practicing the art of flattery in business negotiations, at meetings and even public speaking. They also train on women, honing their persuasive skills. Flattery is a social tool, an oil that softens friction. Who do people cajole most often?
Angelic voice
Popular wisdom describes “flattery” very aptly. They say about flatterers: “An angelic voice, but a damn thought.” So sometimes the compliment you receive is puzzling. But life without compliments will be gray and boring. Don’t be afraid to accept compliments, thank those who give them, but don’t flatter yourself, soberly evaluate both yourself and the flatterer based on the compliment.
Compliments are given not only out of flattery, but also out of sincere delight. And real delight is immediately visible. He is spontaneous, has sparkling eyes and a disarming smile. Delight is not the twin or even the twin of flattery; it is not difficult to distinguish them. Don’t be shy to give sincere compliments - it’s nice for both sides of the dialogue.
Superiors and authority figures
Saying a nice word to your boss, doing a small favor to the landlady renting out an apartment, praising the hairstyle of the head of the credit department is a small but profitable investment of effort. Inside the human consciousness lives a mercantile reptile, whose job is to grovel and wait for the right moment to act. Consciously or unconsciously, the liar understands that the favor is exchanged for favorable treatment or reciprocal favor. The higher the person, the greater the return.
Opposite sex
Remember the skilled seducers, how subtle and graceful they made compliments in order to win the heart of a lady for one night. Flattery is not only a way to get rich or improve your position in society. A correctly chosen tactic disarms the victim, makes it soft and pliable - mold what you want. Experienced seducers use this. The apogee for them is dependence: the woman is no longer needed, and the night with her is of no use. The seducer hunts for an intoxicating experience in which he is the ruler of the female heart and the master of the situation.
Ladies are also guilty of this hobby. When a woman is attracted to a man's wallet or status, she turns into a master of sugary speeches. The main thing is that the male Ego does not develop diabetes ahead of time. The skill of pick-up artists is built on flattering techniques.
Wise women resort to compliments to keep their man in good shape. In a relationship without spices that hide the blandness of feelings, you won’t go far.
Exposure of vices
There are many stories in Scripture where prophets had to denounce not only ordinary people, but also kings for the wrongdoings they had committed. No one is perfect and all people are sinners. But God gives everyone a chance to improve and follow the right path. However, the prophets always warned of the consequences. Proverbs 1:22-33 says:
22 “How long, you ignorant ones, will you love ignorance? [how long] will the violent delight in violence? How long will fools hate knowledge?
23 Turn to my reproof: behold, I will pour out my spirit on you, I will declare my words to you.
24 I called, and you did not listen; I stretched out my hand, and there was no one to hear;
25 And you rejected all my counsels, and did not accept my reproofs.
26 Therefore I will laugh at your destruction; I will rejoice when horror comes upon you;
27 When terror comes upon you like a storm, and trouble comes upon you like a whirlwind; when sorrow and distress befall you.
28 Then they will call me, and I will not hear; They will look for me in the morning and will not find me.
29 Because they hated knowledge and did not choose the fear of the Lord,
30 They did not accept my advice, they despised all my reproofs;
31 Therefore they will eat of the fruit of their ways and be satisfied with their thoughts.
32 For the stubbornness of the ignorant will kill them, and the carelessness of fools will destroy them,
33 But he who listens to me will live safely and calmly, without fear of evil.”
In other words, reproof is an attempt to protect a person from possible consequences. This is not done with the goal of offending a person or showing dominance over him, but on the contrary, it is a manifestation of love and care for him, an attempt to correct him and guide him on the right path.
Position in society
It’s wonderful when a person tells the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, doesn’t come up with excuses and doesn’t invent reasons for praise. But not everyone is given such happiness. Flattery is an integral part of relationships in companies and organizations with a clear hierarchical structure. To “cajole” your boss, you don’t have to give compliments, it’s enough to make concessions to make it pleasant.
How often do people do kind things not because they want to help, but simply because it is profitable? An unlucky student, walking along the corridor, unceremoniously pushes aside fellow students on his way, and then carefully holds the door for the history teacher. Isn't this an indicator of flattering behavior? Today he will hold the door, tomorrow he will smile and carry the folders to the study unit, and the day after tomorrow he will receive a test without making any effort to memorize.
Flattery. How to recognize and how to react
We all learned Krylov’s fable “The Crow and the Fox” at school. With the help of flattery, the fox manages to lull the crow's vigilance and get her cheese. We laugh at the stupid bird who bought into such crude and obvious flattery, while we ourselves fall into similar traps. This is understandable. It's nice to be praised. However, no one wants to become a victim of someone else's calculations. To do this, you need to be able to recognize flattery and use it correctly.
How to recognize flattery
Flattery is the reasonable praise of a person in order to obtain some benefit. As a rule, with the help of flattery, those advantages that you do not have are highlighted and extolled. Example. I can't sing. Therefore, if I sing in a company and they tell me: “You have a very good voice!”, I will understand that this is flattery. Otherwise, you might think, I don’t know what kind of voice I have. Words that state facts are not considered flattery. For example, when they tell me that I write good books. In such cases it is simply praise.
Since the purpose of flattery is to obtain benefits, they flatter those from whom this benefit can be obtained. Only people who are equal to each other or those who do not seek to receive any benefit from the other can do without flattery.
If you want to express your admiration, but do not want to be considered a flatterer, praise only what is true and causes you sincere delight. If you don’t see anything good in a person, then it’s better not to invent anything, not to flatter and just remain silent. Insincerity does not lead to anything good.
I remember one case when I was sincerely delighted.
I was serving in the army when things happened in China in 1964. We moved to Central Asia. Our medical authorities were terrible and not even worth a penny. One day a doctor came to our garrison. So he really told us and showed us how to work. Every day he got up at 6 am, walked around everything, checked all the materials and documents. In just a week he put everything in order for us. I expressed my admiration to him about how great he was doing. Then we talked. He asked what I dreamed about. I told him that I would like to serve in a hospital. Then I found out that this doctor had a meeting with the officers of our unit, that he described me very well and said: “If we take him to medical work, do not interfere with him.” Like this. But I just sincerely admired his work. We, of course, had our own divisional doctor, but this one literally made a revolution!
Flattery in production
Be careful when working with flatterers. These people are quite cruel by nature. They say about such people: “Honey on the lips, a dagger in the bosom.”
Why should we be afraid of them? The fact is that, seeking benefits from you, flatterers deliberately place themselves below you, and therefore feel humiliated. Once they get their way or get a little higher than you, their attitude towards you will change dramatically. At best, you will face contempt on their part, at worst, revenge for the humiliation you experienced.
More on the blog: 7 steps to support a burnt out person
Flatterers, as a rule, always get their way. These could be small indulgences like extraordinary time off, a shortened working day, or a trip to a summer camp for a child. The most agile ones can achieve more significant results, for example, high promotion. However, do not rush to envy such a flatterer, because if, in addition to sweet speeches, he does not have professional knowledge and skills corresponding to the position, then he will not last long in his place.
Let me give you an example of good flattery.
I had one student who had long outgrown his position, but still could not get higher. We prepared a toast for the anniversary of the director of the company. At the gala banquet, guests vied with each other to praise and thank the birthday boy. What did my student do? He stood up and said: “Ivan Ivanovich. Even if you fire me, I will tell you the whole truth. You are a scoundrel. Why did you establish such a good service in our area, but did not write a book about it? After all, these technologies need to be extended throughout Russia! We have so many regions! So I wish you all the best, but still write the book. Such a great experience is wasted!” Tell me, did his boss fire him or not? And who did he recommend for retirement when he left? That's right, my student! Of course, as a result of this particular toast, his career did not immediately take off. But they paid attention to him and became interested in him. And since he is a smart worker, they gave him a promotion. But flattery is also so complicated - “criticism” for good deeds. You can't find fault with this one.
What to do if you are flattered?
Since flattery is aimed at obtaining benefits, you need to hide the cheese under your arm and calmly answer the cunning fox. For example, you can respond to your subordinate’s flattery like this: “Thank you for having such a high opinion of me. I know that you speak sincerely, because you do not expect any increase in salary or promotion from me.” Thus the fox flattered, but received nothing for it.
Flattery doesn't only happen in professional relationships. People don’t pay attention to it or don’t attach any importance to it, but flattery happens much more often in love relationships.
Flattery in relationships
Dear readers, who do you think flatters more often: men or women? Of course, men. A typical situation is that a guy and a girl have just met, and he invites her to drink coffee. At the same time, he never ceases to praise. And she has already hung her ears. How does this end? Of course, in bed. They will have sex, and the next day he will disappear.
The girls who work on themselves in our club, firstly, are not susceptible to flattery, and secondly, they know how to respond to it. For example: “Thank you for your praise. She's sincere. There is no request behind it. You won’t get into bed with me.” Or this option: “I promised myself that until I earn money for an apartment, a car and a dacha, I cannot have sex.”
More on the blog: Why do you have fewer and fewer friends as you get older?
Women also flatter in relationships. There is even a separate type - Sweet-sounding sirens. There are also men, but more often women act as sirens.
Many women ask me how to keep my husband when he cheats or leaves the family. I tell them – flatter. Men are primitive animals; they only need flattery. What do women usually do here? They constantly criticize and educate their husbands. And you just need to flatter. This will be the basis of your prosperous life.
A great example is the fairy tale by Hans Christian Andersen.
Once upon a time there lived a husband and wife. They had a horse and quite a bit of land. The man decided to go to the fair to sell the horse or exchange it for something else. His wife let him go, saying: “Okay, go. You’re an expert, you don’t do a bad job.” He went to the fair and exchanged a horse for a cow. On the way home, he exchanged a cow for a goat, a goat for a chicken, and a chicken for a bag of rotten leaves. At night, when he was sheltered for the night, his bag stank. One guest said to the man: “Your wife will give you a hard time.” And the man answers: “No, he won’t ask. She will hug me, kiss me and tell me that I did everything right.” They bet on a barrel of gold, and in the morning they arrived at the man’s house.
His wife met him, kissed him on the lips and said: “Well, tell me.” He said that he exchanged a horse for a cow, and she told him: “Oh, how smart you are! Indeed, we don’t need a horse, but there will be milk here.” He then said that he exchanged the cow for a goat. And she told him: “What a great fellow you are! There is so much milk from a cow, where are we going to put it? And just a little bit from a goat. And goat’s milk is healthier than cow’s.” Then the man said that he exchanged the goat for a chicken, and his wife said to him: “How smart you are! You know everything! A hen will lay eggs for us, and we will live happily ever after.” As a result, the man admitted to his wife that he exchanged the chicken for a bag of rotten leaves. And she answers him: “How smart you are! I decided to bake a cake for your arrival. I had flour, but no onions. I went to my neighbor, and she answered me: “We don’t even have a rotten leaf.” So I’ll show her these leaves and say: “This is my wealth! I can at least give everything to you.” In the end, the man won a barrel of gold, so we can say that he exchanged the horse very well.
So in family life there is no need to criticize. Nobody needs it. Better flatter. And if you are accused of insincerity, then remember one of the important rules of life: if a person scolds someone, it means that he is characterizing himself.
Mikhail Litvak, Honorary Member of the Russian Communication Association
Source
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Manipulation
Manipulators use flattery as a tool to control human consciousness. Mistakes in this matter are unacceptable, otherwise the victim will guess about the deception and disrupt plans. Manipulators use a convenient multi-pass:
- subtle flattery to gain the attention and sympathy of the victim,
- an expectant pause to dispel suspicion,
- request.
It is difficult to slip off the manipulator's hook after a voiced proposal. If pre-calculated conditions coincide, a person will experience awkwardness at the mere thought of refusal. Today colleagues praise your achievements at work, and tomorrow they bring you a task that no one is eager to complete. And how can a newly minted professional refuse unexpected work, after laudatory speeches and proud confessions?
How to avoid becoming a flatterer yourself
There is probably no person who has not resorted to flattery at least once in his life. However, it is unlikely that anyone experienced positive emotions and a feeling of satisfaction, since to flatter means to curry favor, to humiliate oneself in front of someone.
This must be remembered when the desire arises to achieve your goals with the help of cunning tricks.
What should you do if you have a sincere desire to praise your colleague, friend or child? How to give a sincere compliment without being flattering? Here are some rules for constructive praise:
Be honest. Speak for yourself. Focus on the person's specific successes. Avoid cliched phrases. Do not express delight beyond measure.
In some cases, it may even be necessary to praise someone more than they deserve. And such a compliment will not be flattery, since its purpose is not personal gain, but a sincere desire to support another person and motivate him to new achievements.
Good luck to you! See you soon on the blog pages KtoNaNovenkogo.ru
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The skill of a flatterer
How do real pros flatter, and what makes their flattery convincing? Knowledge and understanding of human nature. Drawing up a psychological portrait is not enough for a quality strategy.
Shades of flattery
For each person, a flatterer will find its own shade, depending on self-esteem, position in society, and anxiety. The general director will receive a particularly elegant compliment with a noticeable amount of adulation, the deputy director will receive a different tone, and the head of the department will receive an insignificant compliment for the company.
Getting to know the bride's family, the flatterer skillfully distributes attention between dad, mom and second cousin from the unknown wilderness. All for the sake of credibility.
Place and time
Flattery is good if it fits the situation. Inappropriate but pleasant speech arouses suspicion. They don't fit into the picture of the usual.
The flatterer's task is to bypass human critical thinking. Once a comment falls into the category of inappropriate, it is carefully analyzed. In 90% of cases it is not in favor of the flatterer.
The interval between flattering reviews is also important. The more often they sound, the more unconvincing they become
Playing on weaknesses
Weaknesses are passions, complexes, tyranny. It is more difficult to flatter a beautiful woman than to flatter an ugly woman. You need to use ingenuity to make the compliment unusual, but not forced. Women's weakness is the desire to be beautiful, loved, desired. Men care about sexuality, the feeling of their strength and dignity. The weakness of a motorist is his iron horse, while those who love jewelry are new earrings.
A puny man will be flattered if a lady pretends to be small and weak, leaving him to do a mere trifle, and praises his masculinity and strength. A woman who does not attract the attention of the stronger sex will surrender to an experienced tempter without a fight after a couple of skillful compliments. People are defenseless against their weaknesses.
The shades of flattery cannot be counted. How do people flatter? Yes, everything is different. Some skillfully, others crookedly and banally. But the goal is the same for everyone: to make your life better.
“How many times have they told the world that flattery is vile and harmful.” Usage examples
How many times have they told the world that flattery is vile and harmful; but everything is not for the future, And a flatterer will always find a corner in the heart. I.A. Krylov. "The Crow and the Fox" (1807)
How he knew how to appear new, Jokingly amaze innocence, Frighten with ready despair, Amuse with pleasant flattery... A.S. Pushkin. "Eugene Onegin" (1823-1830)
She also had favorites; She liked Pyotr Stepanovich, by the way, with the crudest flattery. F. M. Dostoevsky. Demons (1871-1872)
He accepted the enthusiastic flattery of his guests as something deserved... A.P. Chekhov. "Drama on the Hunt" (1884)
There he learns flattery, lies, small and large meanness, and becomes an egoist. V.T. Shalamov. "Kolyma Tales" (1954-1961)
Suddenly she spoke in a changed, flattering voice: “Excuse me, please, just a minute, I’m leaving now!” Yuri Trifonov. Exchange (1969)
But I don’t deny that this offer flattered me: the Central Committee of the Party entrusts me with such a high post! Nikita Khrushchev. "Memories" (1971)
At the end of your life, you are flattered by your notoriety! OK. Chukovskaya. "The Process of Elimination (An Essay on Literary Morals)" (1978)
Dionysius died after a drinking party in joy that the Athenians awarded a prize to the tragedy he had composed. They did this, of course, not out of honor, but out of flattery. M.L. Gasparov. "Entertaining Greece" (1995)
