Today, more and more people have become interested in the psychology of personal communication and social communications. Hence, more people are aware of how important it is to communicate with positive or simply positive people.
However, those who constantly complain about life are not decreasing. And here it is very important to understand where the real problems of a person are, and where is the method of manipulating him. About all this in today's article.
A person constantly complains about life
In this article you will learn:
First, let’s define more precisely what pity in itself actually is. So, pity is a negative, uncomfortable feeling that can be directed both at oneself and at another living object.
This is always negative and the most unpleasant and low-vibration states are successfully attached to it: sadness, condescension, compassion, and even suffering, condolences, melancholy, despair, and so on. This whole heavy collection usually swirls around the one who is actually complaining, and flies negatively at the one to whom the complaint is made. But more about the unevaded sufferers a little later.
Try to switch “minus” to “plus”
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People often react differently to the same events. This proves that the problem is mostly not outside, but inside the person. Whatever happens, it is very important whether a positive or negative attitude towards the world prevails. One of the main tasks of a person in this school of life is to learn to switch his thoughts from negative to positive.
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Why do people always complain?
Why should a person complain? We are creatures programmed to do nothing in this world without our own benefit, no matter how good intentions may be sprinkled on that benefit. Any emotion causes certain biochemical reactions in the physical body.
In the case of positive emotions, these reactions will be aimed at harmonizing processes in the body, producing “positive” hormones, rejuvenation, healing, energy saturation, and so on.
In the case of negative emotions, the biochemical reactions produced literally destroy the body from the inside, destabilizing the functioning of its internal systems.
If we consider pity, then the set contains not just one negative emotion, but a whole package. As you can see, in order to complain, there must be a very significant reason and incentive, a benefit of such a scale and “fatness” that can significantly compensate for such extensive physical damage.
Why feeling sorry for yourself is harmful
Before you start getting rid of the habit of whining for any reason, you need to create high-quality motivation. Let's see what disadvantages lie behind this seemingly harmless habit:
- People feel uncomfortable around an eternal whiner, so they try to communicate less with him in life. Gradually, he remains either in the company of his own kind, individuals who love to complain, or alone.
- Constant concentration on negative aspects drives a person into depression. Emotional degradation occurs when he ceases to experience the joy of life and positive emotions.
- Constantly whining takes up time that could be spent more constructively.
As a result, such people only strengthen the vicious circle of problems, which they then complain about to others. The destructive effect of this destructive habit has been noticed for a long time, so despondency in Orthodoxy is considered a mortal sin. And “whining” and “despondency” are the same root words. By stopping constantly “crying into your vest,” you will begin to change the scenario of your life for the better.
Are people who complain and whine really unhappy?
What is the benefit of complaining?
The complaint is based on a desire for support and reassurance.
This is the position of a child, on whom nothing in this world depends and he is looking for an opportunity to hide behind the back of an adult. It’s curious, but during the process the complainant often appears to himself as both a child and an adult at the same time, because sometimes it happens that, having sobbed and groaned to his heart’s content, he himself says to his opponent, but in fact to himself - nothing, they say, we’ll break through, what to do? , and that’s not what happened.
It is for this reason that some people who like to complain literally begin to get angry when a cheerful interlocutor suddenly begins to try to cheer up, noticing the good sides of the situation, or comparing it with someone else’s even more unenviable situation, or simply switching attention.
The complainer may suddenly discover an evil persistence in proving the indisputable horror of his problems, sometimes blaming the interlocutor for his optimism: “Aha! Well, it’s good for you to talk!”
The interlocutor, rolling his eyes from hopelessness, falls silent out of harm's way, and the complainant, having re-occupied his niche under favorable circumstances, usually continues.
This is because previously the process was not logically completed, where first a complaining child takes on the role, expressing everything that is on the Soul, and in the finale, the adult inner part of the person takes on the role, which convinces the “children’s” that everything will be fine.
Yes, in this situation, the process itself looks quite close to a clinical medical case, but, believe me, such a person simply does not know how to do it any other way.
In the variant with the desired reassurance from the interlocutor’s words, the “child” complainant expects him to take on the role of an “adult.” And he brought to its logical conclusion the chain of “discomfort - self-pity - the desire of the “child” to cry - reassurance through the “adult” - a newfound state of calm.”
Therefore, after words of consolation, such a complainant usually feels significantly better.
Let's understand the origins
If you vow to stop whining on Monday, it is unlikely that such an undertaking will be successful. It is not so easy to destroy an ingrained attitude; moreover, there are reasons why a person subconsciously does not want to give it up.
For example, because whining brings people together. Starting a conversation by describing our problem, we quickly find a response from the interlocutor. Emotional complaints help relieve stress and guilt, and at the same time shift it to your husband, neighbor, boss... the whole world.
When we complain, we turn into a small child who cries and runs to his mother when he is in pain. Whining is not an act of an adult, but of an infantile subpersonality hidden within him, who complains when she feels bad and uncomfortable. In order to receive the necessary portion of warmth and affection, a behavioral model that was established in childhood is triggered in the subconscious. Sometimes such thinking algorithms are passed down from generation to generation, absorbed with mother's milk.
Perhaps it's time to change the negative program of life to a positive perception? Try to understand the deep origins of complaints and honestly admit them to yourself. This will be a good motivation to start living in a new way.
People who constantly complain lack something
The most harmonious form of interaction with yourself and with the World is taking responsibility for creating everything in your life - from events to attracting certain people.
If such an understanding of life is present, then a person does not need to look for levers to balance himself externally; he himself is able to bring clarity to himself, to be the one who gives himself attention, care, help, mercy and support.
But when there is no awareness, a person finds himself in a state of fear, uncertainty and seeks all of the above from someone who wants to listen.
Although, in fact, given that everything in this world is connected to everything, and we are all threads of belonging in relation to each other, it is the complainant himself, with the help of the listener, who calms himself down. That's what was required.
What kind of diagnosis is this - I constantly complain about everything?
The need to complain has many masks and combinations, and one of them, quite common and, nevertheless, one of the most surprising, is so as not to be jinxed.
Yes, yes, at the core is the same fear of life and uncertainty about anything, a constant feeling of instability and restlessness. As in the first case, there is no internal core, self-support.
Only in this version is a person so afraid of his unexpected fragile “good” or even simply “acceptable”, he is afraid that with a careless word of joy he can frighten away the balance swinging over the abyss.
And yes, he is afraid that everything will go to hell. Therefore, out of fear, he prefers to complain again. Often, even being aware of this, they say, “Yes, I constantly complain and I can’t do anything about it.” For what?
And all for the same thing, so that they would calm down again, they would say, “You know what?! You’re actually fine, look!” Well, or as a result of the “outpourings”, come to such a conclusion and relax in some way.
The child constantly complains
When family members complain, despite their common motives, they may have differences in their aspirations. When a child complains, it is a desire for support as reinforcement in his still shaky sense of self-confidence.
Perhaps parents have intervened many times before, and the situation was resolved brilliantly. And one negative independent experience not only convinced me that I couldn’t do it myself, but my parents could also create it with their negativity. Like, “You can’t decide anything on your own!” the inner conviction that yes, they are right, nothing will work out for me.
The correct thing here would be a soft but firm refusal to do it for him, plus friendly support for any outcome, whatever it may be. Believe me, it is many times more important for a child to be treated as an individual at home than to be treated by anyone outside.
An important help will also be to give the child personal or someone else’s positive examples of when they were afraid, but still managed, and in addition, all kinds of approval and recognition of the child’s merits. Increased self-confidence will soon reduce the need to complain about “no”.
Mom constantly complains
When an already independent adult child tends to complain on a regular basis from his mother, then this is most likely a need for communication and attention, first of all.
The childish part is strong in all of us and will always be strong, so in childhood the vast majority of us learned that when things are bad and not good, those who are merciful and compassionate pay attention to you and come running much more cheerfully and swiftly than if everything is fine with you.
Yes, towards advanced age, without the presence of awareness, the appearance of all kinds of fears also takes place, and therefore the desire for one’s own calm through complaint also takes place.
However, practice shows that by making your communication not forced and formal, as if from the category of tedious obligations, but benevolent, establishing regular communication with your mother in a positive way.
And by explaining to her that complaining drains both her and you, your emotional contact can be magically transformed, making it mutually fulfilling.
Husband complains
When a man complains, provided that we are talking about a high-quality example now, without distortions into childish immaturity, then this is almost always a desire for the first option.
That is, a man, telling about his sorrows in his narrative for himself, and a child, trying to cry, shout out, and a wise adult, who, as a result, when the emotions subside, will quietly but surely put everything in its place.
And this point does not necessarily have to be voiced to the woman, that’s why it’s wise. You can understand that the process is completed by the fact that the man has become calmer. It’s unlikely to be happier, but fatigue and apathy are a sure sign that destructive negative emotions have been spoken out and come out. Now - restoration.
By the way, speaking is a very powerful tool in psychology, it is good when working with men, since they, unlike women, are less inclined to show feelings, it is more difficult to force them to write down their own feelings, which would also be very effective.
Therefore, if a beloved man complains to you, provided that he does not do this often and not to everyone, then in fact this is grace. Because calm, even listening without the desire to ennoble with advice will give him the opportunity to “discharge” by removing the static.
And thereby providing yourself with complete therapy. After all, men get sick because they tend to keep everything to themselves. And here is the prevention of cardiovascular diseases, at a minimum.
You say, what about me, why should I listen to and take on this anger? But the fact of the matter is that a woman’s wisdom in this matter lies precisely in clearly realizing that now the man is complaining and angry simply because of what has accumulated in him.
He needs to “discharge”, and not at all from the fact that something is wrong with you, that it can somehow harm you, and so on. But in order to come to such an understanding, you need to be resourceful and calm and engage in your own fulfillment on a regular basis.
It is in this state that the situation, when a man complains and even does it emotionally, does not hurt in any way, the man himself is perceived with mercy and is imbued with energy, which such a woman has over the edge. He gets drunk and calms down, and then everything is within his reach, he feels subconsciously.
Psychology of complaint
One of my favorite places to people watch is the airport. Unfortunately, most of what I hear are complaints. I hear people complain about flight delays or uncomfortable seats. I hear business people screaming on the phone, taking out their anger on colleagues and subordinates.
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I witness many problems: bad weather, wars, disease, economic crisis, low productivity, disgusting laws. You might think that the end of the world has come.
If complaints are perceived so badly, why are they so common?
Let's start with the fact that a complaint is simply an expression of dissatisfaction . It is usually expressed verbally (using words), as in a recent case where two people on a date expressed dissatisfaction with the terrible dinner they were served.
For consumers, filing a complaint is done through documented feedback or at the service desk - however, customer and client complaints are a separate issue.
Complaints usually arise as a result of a negative situation. Traffic is worse than expected. The film was disappointing. The repairman did a poor job. The city council did not approve the development plans. Of course, it is not just the situations themselves that are important, but also the personal factors that are involved in them.
Some people are more inclined to complain, while others prefer to keep their mouths shut. Indeed, there is a certain “complaining threshold” that must be reached before someone decides to start nagging - and it is different for everyone. This threshold has many facets. First of all, it is tied to the “locus of control,” or the subjective feeling of how much control a person has over a situation.
If the airline loses your suitcase, for example, you are likely to file a complaint because you feel that your notification of the problem will help resolve it.
The level of the “threshold of complaints” is also influenced by personal factors, such as tolerance for conflict, age or the desire to present oneself from the best side.
I constantly complain about life - lack of resources
It's another matter when the resource is at zero. Then, firstly, the complaining man will be perceived in the most negative way. Everything he says will catch and irritate, even if he talks about topics abstract from your life and about the appearance of completely different people.
During the “process” there will often be thoughts that, they say, “he’s complaining, but what’s wrong with me, but I’m not complaining, but he is, and he’s also a man!” As you can see, there is no smell of mercy, but rather an internal clarification of “who owes what.”
Just thoughts about debts and how everything should be and how it really is, emerge from a state of zero energy. And when two people meet with empty energy tanks, intending to feed off each other, things usually end badly.
The matter usually ends with either an energy donation, when the one who complains suddenly turns pink in his cheeks and rises in spirits, while the listener, on the contrary, turns pale and somehow calms down in an unhealthy way.
Or, when both are strong, and no one wants to “feed” the other, tearing off pieces of resource from themselves, the matter can end in a scandal. By the way, this scheme applies to all situations where a “complainer” and a “listener” appear, and not just in a situation where a man complains.
Constantly complaining that fate is bad
Energy vampirism is born when the person sitting in the role of listener is himself exhausted. And he himself is outside the resource. He experiences negative emotions while listening to the complainer, but cannot do anything, performing this unenviable role over and over again and literally feeding himself energetically.
But at first glance it seems that such a listener in this process is a forced person. We remember and do not forget that any action or inaction has a benefit.
The desire to have people complain to you, “pour out their souls”, cry, and so on certainly has it. And, I must say, significant benefits, because believe me, no one would feed another person himself for pennies. The benefit of the listener, to whom complainers fly like moths to the light, is very significant.
Vampirism or how to protect yourself?
Firstly, it is always feeding your own importance. An internal, often not even conscious conviction that since they tell me, since they trust me, that means I am a good person, reliable, I am valued, people speak and think well about me, my status is at the level.
Sometimes a sweet conviction-pride even creeps in, which means I’m better than a complainer, because everything is acceptable with me, everything is smooth, I don’t complain, but they complain to me, I’m incredibly cool!
The fact that the personal space of the listener is used over and over again by the complainant as a trash can into which he can pour all the disturbing obscenities, literally relieving himself, such a listener often simply does not realize. And the very desire to “talk in confidence” with the complainant is more prestigious, the higher the status the complainant occupies.
It is not uncommon, I note, for higher-ranking bosses to “secretly” energetically eat up “trusted persons” from lower-ranking employees with enviable regularity. The donors are in awe of the honor given to them, and the recipients feel good in the end, and everyone seems happy. If not for some secret processes.
When a person allows himself to be drained of energy just like that, he thereby signs that he does not love himself so much that he is ready to give his strength to another only for the fact that he recognizes at least some value for a short time.
How to stay positive among whiners
Choose your friends wisely
Relatives and colleagues are not chosen, but we can quite decide with whom to be friends. Surround yourself with positive people.
Be grateful
Positive thoughts create positive feelings. Every day or at least a couple times a week, write down what you are grateful for. Remember: for a bad thought to lose its power, you need to think twice about a good one.
Don't waste your energy on chronic whiners
You can sympathize as much as you like with people who complain about their hard life, but it is useless to help them. They are used to noticing only the bad, so our good intentions can turn against us.
Use the sandwich method
Start with a positive statement. Then express your concern or complaint. Finally, say that you hope for a successful outcome.
Engage Empathy
Since you have to work side by side with a complainer, do not forget that such people expect attention and recognition. In the interest of the cause, show empathy and then remind them that it is time to get on with the job.
Stay Aware
Watch your behavior and thinking. Make sure you don't copy negative people and don't spread negativity yourself. Often we don’t even notice that we are complaining. Pay attention to your words and actions.
Avoid gossip
Many of us are used to getting together and unanimously disapproving of someone's behavior or situation, but this leads to even greater dissatisfaction and more complaints.
Let go of stress
Holding stress in is extremely harmful, and sooner or later it will lead to serious consequences. Walk, play sports, admire nature, meditate. Do something that will allow you to distance yourself from the whiner or stressful situation and maintain peace of mind.
Why do people talk and keep secrets?
Such a person has little chance of changing anything in his life for the better, because he simply does not have the strength to do so. There weren’t a lot of them before, but now even this “not a lot” regularly migrates into the mental insides of another person who is stronger in energy. Duality in the world is still strong and for any predator there will always be a victim.
Likewise, it is not as sweet for the complainant as it might seem at first glance. Firstly, the desire to be constantly dissatisfied with life sends the energy of dissatisfaction into space, and it returns as a boomerang in the form of strengthening, rooting and growth of those situations that, in fact, caused a frantic and regular desire to cry. The boomerang law, you need to know.
Secondly, this fear gives rise to the need to parasitize on other people's energy and the desire to find peace outside. And fear is always dislike. Dislike for yourself, first of all.
So we found a common dominant between the complainant and the listener. No one is happy, it turns out, and each has his own benefits, which he seeks in others, although he could easily get by on himself. If…
If only I had a resource. If I were in love with myself. If only he understood the law of cause and effect, if he simply took responsibility for his life and did not try to shift it to someone or something else in this world.
How whiners influence others
Empathy promotes negative thinking
It turns out that the ability to be compassionate and the ability to imagine oneself in someone else’s place can do a disservice. Listening to a whiner, we involuntarily experience his feelings: anger, despair, dissatisfaction. The more often we are around such people, the stronger the neural connections with negative emotions become. Simply put, the brain internalizes negative thinking.
Health problems begin
Being among those who constantly curse circumstances, people and the whole world is a considerable stress for the body. As mentioned above, the brain tries to adapt to the emotional state of the person who is complaining, so we also get angry, irritated, upset, and sad. This results in increased levels of cortisol, known as the stress hormone.
Simultaneously with cortisol, adrenaline is produced: thus the hypothalamus reacts to a possible threat. As the body prepares to “defend itself,” the heart rate increases and blood pressure rises. Blood rushes to the muscles, and the brain is tuned to decisive action. Sugar levels also rise, because we need energy.
If this is repeated regularly, the body learns a “stress pattern” and the risk of developing hypertension, cardiovascular disease, diabetes and obesity increases many times over.
Brain volume decreases
Regular stress not only worsens your overall health: your brain literally begins to dry out.
A report published by Stanford News Service describes the effects of stress hormones on rats and baboons. It has been discovered that animals respond to prolonged stress by actively releasing glucocorticoids, which leads to shrinkage of brain cells.
A similar conclusion was made based on MRI. Scientists compared brain images of people who were matched in age, gender, weight and education level, but differed in that some had long suffered from depression and others had not. The hippocampus of depressed participants was 15% smaller. The same study compared the results of Vietnam War veterans with and without a diagnosis of PTSD. It turned out that the hippocampus of the participants in the first group was 25% smaller.
The hippocampus is an important part of the brain that is responsible for memory, attention, learning, spatial navigation, goal-directed behavior and other functions. And if it is reduced, all processes fail.
In the cases described, the researchers were unable to either prove or disprove that it was glucocorticoids that caused the “shrinkage” of the brain. But since the phenomenon has been noted in patients with Cushing's syndrome, there is every reason to believe that the same thing happens in depression and PTSD. Cushing's syndrome is a severe neuroendocrine disorder caused by a tumor. It is accompanied by intense production of glucocorticoids. As it turned out, it is this reason that leads to the reduction of the hippocampus.
How to ease your soul?
Not a single person who is in harmony with himself simply creates a situation in his field when someone comes to him with the desire to “ease his soul.” Just as it wouldn’t even occur to him to pour out his failures on someone else - he is well aware of the causes and consequences.
A person who is in self-love and in energetic balance has nothing to cling to, he is outside the menu of “tidbits”, he has no desire to prove his own worth, just as there is no need to regularly instill confidence in himself through someone else. Why, if you can do it directly through yourself.
Conversations like “ I constantly complain ” or “they constantly complain to me” are not about him or him, anyone can become such a person, and in what way, you now know.
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Sometimes we need to let off steam
A person can be compared to a bottle of sparkling water that is constantly shaken. We also experience pressure and may sometimes feel a desire to “explode” from claims. Complaining is one of the ways to relieve the internal tension that we sometimes experience in a difficult situation for us. Sometimes, after speaking out, we simply “let off steam.”
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